Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Fly on the wall: Brenda Martin edition.
Harper: So ... what do we have here? I'm getting all kinds of grief back home about this whiny troublemaker you've got locked up and rotting in one of your jails, so can we get on with this? My quesadilla's getting cold. What's the evidence against her?
Mexico: No, senor, none at all. Do you not read the news? She had nothing whatsoever to do with any fraud. She was the man's cook, nothing more. This has been obvious from the beginning. Even a brain-damaged chihuahua could see that.
Harper: Then ... you're going to let her go?
Mexico: Ah, if only it were that simple. Sadly, that is not possible, as that would make us look foolish. How would it appear for us to have had her in prison for over two years, only to find her innocent? It would be ... embarrassing. It would painfully expose the utter corruption of our system, and that would be awkward for too many people.
Harper: So, what are you suggesting?
Mexico: After careful consideration, we will sentence her to five years.
Harper: What!? People are going to riot! She's suicidal! They'll crucify me back home! Are you nuts!?
Mexico: *Sigh*. Must we explain everything to you ignorant gringos? As I understand it, your country has a "double-time" clause whereupon a prisoner can get "double time" credit for time already served.
Mexico: Your Ms. Martin has been incarcerated for two years and two months. Once your country invokes your double-time clause, it will be as if your Ms. Martin will have already served four years and four months of her carefully calculated five-year sentence.
Harper: And? Eight more months of prison for her is still going to cause all kinds of political headaches for me.
Mexico: Madre de Dios, how is it possible for a prime minister to be so intellectually deficient? With only eight months remaining, she can apply for parole in your country immediately. So, follow carefully, por favor ... we sentence her to five years, she applies for a transfer to a Canadian prison, we get her out of here on the next plane, she lands in Canada, applies for parole, and your governing Conservatives benevolently grant it, at which point she becomes a free woman faster than you can say "Speedy Gonzales."
We end up avoiding international embarrassment while you can take the credit for having freed her from prison and having so generously and compassionately waived the rest of her sentence. Everyone wins, and you can now claim to have resolved the problem and freed your precious Ms. Martin, despite the fact that you had ignored her utterly for two years and even claimed that she deserved to be in jail. Please tell me you understand all of this so I do not have to explain it again more slowly.
Harper: Wow. What a great idea. That's brilliant. You Spics aren't as stupid as Kathy Shaidle says you are.
Mexico: I will ignore that last insult. Feel free to find your own way out.