Monday, May 19, 2008


The loverly and talented LuLu brought the news that Mr Potatahead West has pumped out a collection of his erotic fancies and rape scenarios. In the face of some criticism, Frank has thrown down both the gauntlet and his tube sock.

Update II
So far I've had two commentators say they can write better smut than I can. Great, buddies, go to it. Seems to me it's a lot easier to carp about something than to do it yourself.

There is more than plenty of evidence that Frank is tottering on the brink of senile dementia. In the comments over at the creepy old horndog's site, erotica author rgraham offers some solid, constructive criticism. You know, addressing stuff like voice, character, motivation, description, showing instead of telling... the sort of things that every creative writing class focuses on. Exactly the kind of advice that an old coot like Frank would choose to dismiss.

I enjoyed writing those stories and have since enjoyed re-reading them. If you think the characters are a little thin, that's fine. I think some of the stories could be movie plots. 

We'll see. :)

Could Frank actually be daft enough to expect his drivel to inspire the time, money, talent and effort necessary to create a film? Somebody get Charles McVety on the phone, stat. But the comedy doesn't end there, a comment from Zeb goes so far as to rewrite Frank's dreadful sample piece and improve it greatly. Not one to learn, Frank reiterates his challenge.

Well, heck, if you're so good at writing smut, why not write some? Maybe your stories would be better, maybe a lot better, but if you don't write them, how can we judge them?

What's that Frank?

I'm touched...

Yes, we've noticed that.

So Frank, being challenged, has made a challenge to put up or shut up. Thus I announce:

The First Annual Mr Potatahead West Memorial Erotica Challenge.

And it goes like this, Frank Hilliard, the famous right wing pornographer, has given the world a gift in the form of 30 little
tales of wank. Every week, starting next weeek and for the next 30 weeks, we will solicit submissions for original erotica. Each week, we will take one of Frank's titles and you my darlings will have at it. Contest submissions will be due by Wednesday for review and the weekly victor and runners up will be acknowledged on Sunday. At the end of the 30 weeks of mirth, the winning entries will be published in a vanity press edition and the authors will each receive a copy.

Now then, the rules are simple: keep it fairly short and keep it legal (we do not condone and will not tolerate kiddy porn or rape scenarios, it ain't sexy without consent). All submissions must be your own work. Beyond that, anything goes. Stay tuned, as I will be posting an email address for the contest submissions and there will be more interesting prizes and challenges to come. When the contest closes and the final story is selected, the book will be made available and any proceeds from sales will be donated to an appropriate and worthy cause. Suggestions are welcome.

In the mean time, here are the titles we will be working with, in order:

1. A Hot Romance
2. Getting Away From It All
3. A Visit to the Sports Bar
4. Bad News, Good News
5. Little Red Truck
6. The Educational Lunch
7. Driving to the Coast
8. The Deal
9. A Pinch of Trouble
10. A Party Favour
11. A Good Visit
12. The Marriage Adjustment
13. MaryAnn Sends Regrets
14. The Marriage Club
15. I Love Being an MBA
16. The Best of Friends
17. The Girl Next Door
18. Tomboy
19. The Indecent Proposal
20. If the Dress Fits
21. Take A Vacation
22. Age of Consent
23. Sandra and Mike go to Miami
24. A Little Discipline
25. A Different Approach
26. The Arrangement
27. Snowstorm
28. The Drowning
29. The Northern Lights Motel
30. Beach House

And here's a screen shot of the intro to Frank's tome just so I don't have to both snicker and feel creeped out alone.


LuLu said...

I said it before and I'll say it again ... you are fiendishly briliant, PSA. This is going to be soooooooo much fun.

CC said...

Mr. Potatohead West writes:

"Women enjoy sex as well as relationships; I'm just writing about what they're really like."

And if there's anyone who knows what Teh Wimmen are all about, it's a 67-year-old Blogging Tory.

PSA, you are so in this by yourself.

Balbulican said...

Well, good grief, give us a REAL challenge. If the task is to write something more erotic than Frank, how's this:

"I changed the toner cartridge on the office photocopier today."

Southern Quebec said...

Shouldn't that read:
"I thrust the toner cartridge into the office photocopier"?

¢rÄbG®äŠŠ said...

Deep into the office photocopier.

Romantic Heretic said...

Hmm. I think I've got one for MaryAnn Sends A Message.

I'll direct my porn author friends this way as well.

Ti-Guy said...

Say what you will...I'd rather he write about his erotic fantasies than about his political opinions. Those were snuff films compared to this.

JJ said...

I've got "little red truck" covered. Ron Westlake does a complete valve-and-ring job on Sue.

Frank Frink said...

13. MaryAnn Sends Regrets

Hello Ginger!!

(unless she does that 'hypnosis' thingee again)

I see Fwank still hasn't figured out how to spell Jane Austen's name. He's such a student of literature.

¢rÄbG®äŠŠ said...

Yes, that was rich. In the mold of Jane Austen.

The earlier pieces have more of a Shakespearean vibe, at least to me.

And one last thing -


Lindsay Stewart said...

I'm glad to see there's some enthusiasm for this venture. We'll be starting with A Hot Romance and tracking the titles in order. But don't let that stop you from working ahead. Have fun kids. Extra points for comedy, mockery, robots and marzipan.

Anonymous said...

What about goldfish and Jello....
any points for that?

CC said...

Midgets. I want midgets. And a large tub of banana yogurt. That, too.

¢rÄbG®äŠŠ said...

The MSM does have an obvious anti-large-tub-of-banana-yogurt bias, I'll give you that.

Wait here - I'll notify Sandy.

Prole said...

I think I'll take "I Love Being an MBA". Think diapers. ;)

M@ said...

Any guidelines on length? Can we submit pseudonymously?

Frank Frink said...

I want midgets. And a large tub of banana yogurt. That, too.

Penguins and a tub of Cool-Whip. And some trick involving ping-pong balls.

Ok. And midgets.

But I'm steering clear away from 'The Tomboy'.

Lindsay Stewart said...

m@ think short, short stories. if this gathers any kind of steam i'll be spending my evenings inundated with ping pong ball blasting midget yogurt writhing and as appealing as that sounds, well, too much of a, um, good thing and so on. yes, pseudonyms are just fine. goldfisheses and jell-o may be redeemed for extra points however we will not be able to honour coupons from our competitors at this time.

KEvron said...

it's gonna read like 'the aristocrats' amatuer hour.

i don't envy the mop boy in this joint....


Romantic Heretic said...

The professional term for really short is 'flash', generally regarded as under 1,000 words.

It's tough to do. Especially for a wordy bastard like me.