Wafers, slow news days and lessons to be learned.

So there's the shrieking controversy:

The controversy revolves around whether Mr. Harper, a Protestant, ate the Communion wafer or pocketed it while attending the funeral of former governor-general Romeo Le-Blanc at a Catholic church in Memramcook, N. B., last week.

In a 40-second video clip, which is being played and replayed online, Mr. Harper seems to hesitate when a priest approaches him with the Communion wafer, but he then takes it in his hand, and it is unclear what happens next.

To which the proper response would be, um, who gives a shit? It's a freakin' cracker, something most of Canada's wingnuts are properly dismissing with, Jesus, slow news day or what?

So who made this such a big deal? Why, the Catholic Church:

"It's worse than a faux pas, it's a scandal from the Catholic point of view," Monsignor Brian Henneberry, vicar general and chancellor in the Diocese of Saint John, told the Telegraph-Journal...

"It's not a symbol of the body and blood of Christ, but is in fact the body and blood of Christ," said Neil MacCarthy, director of communications for the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Toronto. "The Communion wafer starts as a host and becomes the body of Christ. And that happens in the course of the sacrament we celebrate."

"We believe we are holding Jesus in our hands, so to put Jesus in your pocket or to put Jesus on the ground [is serious]. If it falls on the ground it has to be consumed. We never throw Jesus out," Mr. MacCarthy said.

OHMIGOD OHMIGOD OHMIGOD ... heresy!! Whether our Prime Minister -- the man charged to lead this nation -- ate a goddamned cracker (albeit one with magical and mystical properties). Yes, dear Lord, this is news!

But can we finally just roll our eyes, wave our hand and move on, and forget this idiocy? No, of course not:

At least one person at the service thought they saw the Prime Minister put the host in his pocket, although that cannot be verified by the video footage and is in fact rebutted by the Prime Minister's Office and by a testimonial from another political dignitary at the funeral...

The Speaker of the Senate of Canada, Noel A. Kinsella, even issued a statement refuting the claims the Prime Minister pocketed the holy wafer: "I would like to state that I personally witnessed Prime Minister Harper consume the host that was given to him by Archbishop Andre Richard. Sitting only a few seats behind him I had a full view of the proceedings and clearly saw the Prime Minister accept the host after Archbishop Richard offered it. The Prime Minister consumed it."

Yes, oh Jesus, let us drag out the eyewitnesses who will now testify regarding the cracker! And after all this, can it possibly get any more absurd? Of course it can:

Yesterday, a spokesman for the Mr. Harper said that "it's totally absurd" to think Prime Minister pocketed the wafer. "The priest offered the host to the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister accepted the host and he consumed it," said press secretary Dimitri Soudas.

Yes, that would be someone from the Prime Minister's Office, weighing in solemnly on whether the political leader of this country ... ate the cracker. At which point, we can finally summarize the lesson learned here:

All of these people are completely, totally, batshit crazy deranged and should be locked up. From the Church who takes the wafer idiocy that seriously, to the official representatives of the PMO who seem to think that it's a good investment of their time to respond to such inanities, all of these people are gibberingly mindless airheads who should be interned somewhere for their own safety, and the safety of the rest of us who should never have to listen to this kind of screeching stupidity ever again.

It's a cracker. Get over it. Get a life.