Why some folks should NOT write letters.

Given that the whole Gideons/Bible giveaway brouhaha is going to be with us a while (since there's nothing that pisses off Christians more than being a miserably-oppressed majority), let's consider a couple of recent letters to the Grope and Flail, just so we can make fun of them.

First, there's this one:

What's so bad?

MAUREEN BOLTON

Toronto -- Re Bibles Offered To Public Schools Raise Row (April 4): Aren't we missing the point of religion when we argue about whether or not religious texts are right or wrong for our children? Religion gives people faith, hope and something to believe in. Why would this be deemed inappropriate? Even if a child gains access to another denomination's religious text, what is he or she going to learn that would be offensive? It seems to me we do not give our children enough credit.

And, from the same page, there's this one:

What's so bad?

SYDNIE CROCKETT

Woodstock, Ont. -- Has Renate Gepraegs forgotten how to say, "No, thank you"?

Why, gosh, when you put it that way, it sounds so ... so ... harmless, doesn't it? Religion gives people "something to believe in" and, if it's not your cup of chowder, well, just say "no." How hard can that be?

Of course, if I was the branch manager of a local office of the Church of Scientology in B.C., I would be all over this logic. Using that very same argument, the Scientologists could claim exactly the same right to hawk free copies of L. Ron Hubbard's Dianetics to Grade 5 students. After all, the parallels are downright eerie, aren't they?

Scientology most definitely gives people "faith, hope and something to believe in" (if you ignore the vacant, glassy-eyed stare and the creepy infatuation with Katie Holmes, that is). And, of course, if one doesn't want the book, well, there's always "No, thanks," isn't there?

If I ran a Scientology shop within the geographical boundary of the Richmond, B.C. school district (I said, if I ran a Scientology shop within the geographical boundary of the Richmond, B.C. school district), I would hie my ass hence to the next school board meeting with flyers offering free copies of Dianetics and see just how open-minded those Bible thumpers really are. I'm betting the spectator entertainment value would be worth the wasted evening.

No, no, don't thank me -- just doing my part for universal fairness and religious tolerance. Well, that and the eternal battle against Xemu. That, too.