Tuesday, April 25, 2006

If religion were run like a business.

(Inspired by the rev.)

Dear congregation:

Recently, some of our more conservative members have been publicly stating that our local government should be run more like a "business." Not wanting to seem hypocritical and being afraid to, as our young folks would say, "walk the walk," we have therefore decided that we are going to put our money where our mouth is and run our church the same way.

Effective immediately, the following new rules are being implemented:

  • Parishioners will now share a hymnal between two people. Yes, it may be more inconvenient, but we have a bottom line to worry about, as I'm sure you can understand. I mean, those little cocksuckers are expensive.

  • Due to the increasing expense, we will no longer be supplying cushions for the pews, but you are of course welcome to bring your own, or they can be rented on a per-service basis for two dollars, with a five-dollar refundable deposit. Sorry, no cheques.

  • We are installing parking meters to defray the cost of the upkeep of the parking lot. However, there will be a discount for those who choose to carpool. If you arrive with three or more people in a single vehicle, we will be validating at the end of each service.

  • Each parishioner will receive only half a wafer from now on.

  • Given the expense of maintaining the building itself, it is clearly not cost-effective to hold only one Sunday service. Beginning next week, in order to more efficiently use the facilities, we will move to two services, with each one being only half as long. This means that we expect worshippers to show up promptly (and, naturally, get the hell out equally expeditiously). This will, of course, necessitate cutting parts of the service out in the interests of time but we're confident that everyone will recognize how this will help us financially. Besides, those fucking Psalms are so depressing.

  • Perhaps our most difficult decision is that, in the interests of our bottom line, we will be starting a very careful accounting of collections and those who don't contribute their fair share will be dropped as customers ... uh, congregants. This wasn't an easy policy to introduce but, strictly from a business point of view, it only makes fiscal sense to re-assess your current customer base every so often and cut loose those who are simply not contributing to the financial health of the organization. Our saviour Jesus Christ may have been an advocate for the poor, but he sure as hell didn't have our utility bills, did he?

  • Finally, it should be obvious that one of our biggest expenses is the salary of Father McDougall. And while we appreciate the fine service he's given us all these years, we've determined that it would be far more economical to -- how shall we say this? -- "outsource" his job to a less expensive supplier. So say hello to Rajiv. He may be a bit difficult to understand at first, but we feel that the savings will more than make up for that.

Thank you, and God bless you all.


M@ said...

Churches don't have to run as businesses, though. Because they don't have to pay any freakin' taxes.

Because, you know, there's a war on Christianity on in America.

Anonymous said...

O large person or persons of whatever gender or branch of the animal kingdom, who did something great and is now someplace where we aren't, please forgive us for whatever you deem bad, and help us to do whatever strikes you as good, whether that be to work hard, eat no pork, or wage a holy war. Grant us whatever you tend to grant, unless you don't interfere with earthly concerns. Watch over us, or save us from evil, or let us find out for ourselves, or damn us randomly. Amen. Praise Allah. Have a nice day.

--The Frantics

Anonymous said...

You've hit on a great one here. My standard answer to shomeone who thinks the private sector is more efficient than the public sector is to go downtown and park twenty times for a half hour without feeding the meter. I predict nineteen tickets. Government is more efficient than the private sector when it comes to collecting money.

By the way, Crooks & Liars has video of Sibila Vargas from CNN counseling Neil Young that Canadians have "less of a platform" to diss Our Beloved Leader. Does this mean I have to make nice to Steve?

Anonymous said...

And what about you? (I forgot to ask in the last comment.) If I have "less of a platform" to counsel Your Beloved Leader on his ways, what kind of a platform do you have to mock Our Beloved Leader?