The ad:
What am I doing wrong?
Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.
Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200-250K. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to Central Park West.
I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?
Here are my questions specifically:
- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms?
- What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings.
- Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY!
Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.
It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests.
The brutally efficient response:
Dear #########:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it. Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why.
Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful! So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset.
Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you! So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.
Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.
By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation. With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.
And another big city dream dies painfully hard.
(Via private e-mail.)
9 comments:
Reminds me of a joke KMG was telling me a few weeks back.
A handsom single gold miner (with some pretty heavy duty psyvhological problems to begin with,) was horribly injured in an accident on the job. He lost his leg. It was very tragic. His doctors were trying to cheer him up and make him look on the bright side of life and he listened but then said...
`Yah, but who in the world is stupid enough to marry a seriously crazy one legged gold-digger``
To wit - suddenly Paul Macartney popped up and said `I would`
Beautiful. Aren't markets grand?
(PS: where did you find this?...)
I'd be interested to know where you found that as well. The offer itself sounds ridiculous, but over the last few years, I've seen too many examples of women recommending market dynamics to govern their intimate relationships that it I'm starting to think there are people out there like that who are perfectly serious.
These people fascinate me.
No link to anything? Was this parody your doing?
So basically she's a whore, she's just haggling the price and delusional enough to think it's worth a half million a year or more.
"It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests."
Craigslist, probably Craigslist New York - they put this at the end of all their ads, even for selling furniture and stuff....
"Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it."
Translation: "I'm superficial too, I'm just up front about my superficiality."
I've become less and less enamoured with forthrightness in the last few years. I think somethings should remain hidden, or known to only a small circle of people, particularly when it comes to people's weird beliefs about how personal relationships should be transacted.
I have a friend who's a former prostitute (who only laments the conditions she had to work under) and she has a lot to say about this kind of thing.
Prostitutes strike me as honest, and the practice seems a good alternative to a dishonest relationship that might ensue if a man or woman is incapable of having a relationship at the time and just wants some freaky hot monkey love.
At least with prostitutes the customer knows exactly what the woman wants and she`s established exactly how much she`s willing to accept in exchange for some of that what-what.
My husbands longest term relationship with a woman turned out to be such a dishonest one -- on the woman`s part, that she lied and told him that the little girl that lived in her house wasn`t actually her daughter. (It was) She stole money from him.. (he caught her, after he noticed money missing and marked the bills.. caught her redhanded). She totaled his car but blamed it on it being stolen.... it wasn`t. She just was a really shitty driver. I could go on and on and on....
I think (providing he practiced safe sex) that he would have been better off getting sex with a prostitute than this woman. It certainly would have cost him less ultimately and wouldn`t have put him through so much.
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