"Pro-life": Because it's the chic thing to do.

You know what the best thing is about being pro-life? (And, yes, I know I really should say "anti-choice" but, what the hell, I'll be generous here and let the wingnuts have their way.) Anyway, where was I? Oh, right ... the best thing about being pro-life? It's so chic, dahling. So upscale and fashionable. So trendy. And, most importantly, you can be pro-life without getting your dainty little pinkies even the slightest bit soiled. Why, yes, I'd be happy to explain.

Have you ever noticed what a terrific social experience it is to be pro-life? First, you can do it from the comfort of your ritzy, uptown condo. A little technology, a little Internet access and -- bam! -- you, too, can be sanctimoniously pontificating about the inherent value of all life, even while lounging around in your cashmere sweats.

And if the mood strikes, well, what could be better than to occasionally get together with like-minded fashionistas, perhaps at a pro-life rally where, ooooooh, perhaps Stephen Harper might show up to say nice things about you, and if you play your cards right, you might even cadge a pic with him. And won't that be just the thing to lord over your buds when you next get together at Starbucks for that double mocha cappuccino with skim?

And if you're super, duper lucky, you might even make it onto the evening news, tearfully clutching your pearls and weeping quietly for the children who will never be. Oh, the girls down at the gym will be ever so jealous, won't they?

But the best part of being pro-life -- the absolute best part -- is that it's nice and clean. See, the great thing about the unborn is just that -- they're not born yet. So there's nothing, you know, icky about the whole thing. Because once that baby is born, well, suddenly the inherent value of every child isn't quite so appealing, is it?

See, unlike that unborn fetus, new babies aren't so delightful. They're fragile, and they cry, and they pee, and they crap, and damn it, they're just, well, icky. And they really do cramp your style when you'd rather be hobnobbing with the beautiful people but have to stay home and deal with shit-filled Pampers. Which is why, for the most part, pro-life people adore fetuses but really can't stand kids.

You think I jest? Surely you remember when all those God-fearing, pro-life American conservatives were forced to take time off from their fetus-worshipping to put the boots to the SCHIP program. Like I said, the very people who profess undying adoration for the unborn are the same ones who really couldn't give a rat's ass about the born. Because, quite simply, the unborn have the distinct advantage of staying conveniently out of sight so that you never have to get your hands dirty dealing with them. Is that a great deal or what? But it doesn't end there.

Recall, if you will, the mind-numbing uproar over Terri Schiavo, who became an absolute poster child for Christian emotional anguish. And what was so appealing about Schiavo in terms of a cause? Simple -- she was safely tucked away in a vegetative state in her hospice room, where none of those concerned Christians actually had to, you know, interact with her.

And why should they, when all that mattered was that they could create their posters, and show up at the Christian whackjob hoedown, and piously clutch their Bibles, and talk to reporters and maybe even sneak onto local TV for a few seconds, all of that entirely unspoiled by any actual interaction with Schiavo. I mean, God forbid that any of those concerned Christians actually consider acting as a hospice volunteer in some capacity, because that would be, well, yucky, and would definitely get in the way of dressing up for the cameras. I mean, one should be able to care for Schiavo without actually, you know, caring for her, if you catch my drift.

In short, being pro-life has nothing whatever to do with valuing children. It has to do only with valuing those precious unheard and unseen fetuses because, as soon as those fetuses make their arrival, they're now just a squalling bundle of continuous piss and crap and need and who the fuck wants to deal with that?

Fetuses: Because some people prefer their causes at a socially convenient distance.

AFTERSNARK: Just in case you needed reminding, you may remember from back here how the National Post's Karen Selick finds fetuses just ever so precious. And the already born? Eh ... not so much:

Consider, too, that the children currently available for adoption in Canada are disproportionately burdened with problems of one kind or another. Many suffer from physical problems such as fetal alcohol syndrome. Many are toddlers, or even older children, not infants, who have been seized from abusive homes by Children’s Aid Societies and made wards of the state by the courts. Would-be parents may be unwilling to take on the extra challenges that such children pose, but would happily take on the care of an uninjured, pre-born baby without undesirable psychological baggage.

Yes, for the "pro-life" crowd, fetuses are kind of like new cars -- delightfully adorable as long as they're still in the showroom with the price tag hanging off of them but, once you drive them off the lot, well, the novelty of newness wears off and the requirement for regular maintenance kicks in and then it's just not that much fun anymore, is it?

Pre-born and safely out of sight? Whoo hoo! Post-born and suddenly needing actual care and attention? Oh, man, now you're just harshing someone's mellow. And we can't have that.