Revisiting Jerry's athletes

Back in November of 2005 I put up this old post on my dormant blog. Seems appropriate to repost here today.I've included a comment from one of my old Christian trolls and my response. Cheers.

my athletes

following a link from crooks and liars, i arrived at...

Peaople for the American Way

where i found the following, from everyone's favourite greased tub of dog snot...

"Rev. Jerry Falwell doesn’t think it's “un-spiritual” to “whip” "un-patriotic" Americans. “In the name of the Lord, of course.”
During his September 25th sermon to his Thomas Road Baptist Church congregation, the Rev. Jerry Falwell examined the freedoms enjoyed by Americans and turned to the issue of what should happen to so-called “un-patriotic” Americans: “You know when I see somebody burning the flag, I’m a Baptist preacher I’m not a Mennonite, I feel it’s my obligation to whip him. In the name of the Lord of course. I feel it’s my obligation to whip him, and if I can’t do it then I look up some of my athletes to help me. "

i fully agree.

i mean this cat is a baptist minister, it says so in words. words are important. especially when you try to say things, right jerry? so, if you don't like what i say or the tone of my dissent, then you can give me a whipping. and it is all good and gracious, provided you skin me in the name of the lord. because we need to recall that jesus spent his lost years in the desert kicking the ever living shit out of people. he was all like, "yo, yo man, wassup wit dat. man. bethlehem is my hood, motherf.."
then bang, he'd drop them like a bag of used rubbers and put the sandals to them. yeah, christ was all about that.

the cool thing that jerry teaches here, is that there is power in the name of the lord. so now, if i meet some bloated old, biblebelt hustler talking wrong shittedly, i can stroll over and put my elbow up his nose. if he preaches violence against god's children, well, that's pretty unpatriotic to one's brothers and sisters. if he tries to breach my freedoms, proscribe my choices and inflict his will on me through political graft, lobby and thrust, well, if i invoke the name of the lord, i get to pop him. though the jesus i imagine, is the one that cast the money changers out of the temple. (did pat robertson really need his own diamond mine?) my brand of jesus wasn't into that whole stone casting thing, but jerry is a baptsist minister, i'll defer to the expert.

in the name of the lord, i condemn the false patriotism that is measured in beatings and dictated by corrupt pharisees. and that would be my permission slip, jerry. just one, right in your fat, bellicose yap. much obliged. after all, i am an ordained internet minister. but then there is the bestest part of all. see, jerry, you're a fat, old, pius pig of a man. and if there was ever enough spine in your corpulent hide to encourage you to dirty your own hands, those days are ancient. if you ever whipped anyone jerry, it was probably by contractual arrangement in a philipine bordello, a swarthy boy-gannon perhaps. so ego trumps impotence. jerry has athletes! who are these mysterious, crew cut lads, broad of shoulder and narrow of mind? why, they are preppie goons, a press squad, the powder blue brownshirts. jerry just has to look up some of his athletes. he could have quite a few, bought on pension tithes. jerry be putting together his own baptist militia and fuck those mennonites. where do they get off with that humility, hard work and sacrifice shit. you don't *live* your faith, you use it as a bludgeon. morons.

now the problem jerry has, is that he ain't long for this earth. someday he'll pass, swaddled in silken sheets, surrounded by pictures of himself and other loved ones, cradled in temporal wealth. and should jerry's god be true, when he arrives at the pearlite gates, st. peter won't be alone. a rake thin christ and his athletes will be waiting. those athletes would be all of the children who died hard, hungry and neglected, while jerry got fat on soft spoils. put in a sandal for me jesus.

Jeff said...
What in Sam Hill are you going on about now, LazyOl'PinkEye? Ah well, at least you realize that Jerry doesn't speak for Christians. I'll take a screenshot and hold you to it...

pretty shaved ape said...
wow, the return of the jeff. i was worried, getting ready to mail richard and ask if you were okay. i may be a left lib pinkeroo or whatever and while we may agree to differ, i was hoping nothing ill had befallen you. which isn't to say that i won't keep making fun of you. 

as for falwell, once a creepy, old, fat, corrupt douchebag, always a creepy, old, fat, corrupt douchebag. i feel sorry for those poor folks that he feeds on. but jeff we both know there's all sorts of christians. there's your obligatory sunday sermon then home for the game christians. they sort of believe but they don't think much about it. there's your super-pious, authoritarians, hey quit all that dancing. there's your strict fundamentalist evangelicals. the cats claiming to have the straight shit, right from the book. and they'll tell you what it means and it means what they say it means. and they can make it mean war and more war is good. paving the way to rapture with the bones of the heathen.

why, there's christian scholars, callen to educate and to learn, preserve and further knowledge. let's not forget the full gospel assemblies, palms raised to the lord, shouting their praises and shaking the beams in joyous song. hey, there's christian warriors too, don't forget to support the troops.

there's every kind of christian, from humble to gawdy. just like there's all kinds of other people. i mean, if a stinkin' leftie like me can agree, that jerry falwell and his ilk do not speak for all of christendom. then surely, jeff a swingin' right winger like you, should concur that there must be all kinds of muslims too. and jews and hindus and wiccans and buddhists and pastafarians and agnostics and etc. same goes for politics and nations, right jeff. like not everybody in france marches in lock step, hating everything you support. 

and just as all conservatives aren't mouth breathing, retrograde, socially backwards fuckloafs, neither are all liberals rat-like, sneak thieving fagans, lining their pockets with corruption. though, ralph klein is still a booze rocket, long pickled and weird as wet toast. 

so jeff, you can call me on sweeping generalizations, because, in the heat of the moment, i will likely engage in them. but i bet you will have a harder time avoiding the broad sweep of stereotypes and profiling by faith, politics, race and class. see, as a leftie, i get to be all tolerant and accepting of different kinds of folk and their peculiar ways. i'd rather judge a person by their actions, not by what they espouse.