Wednesday, May 14, 2008

As God is my witness …


I have absolutely no idea where to go with this — showering in industrial-strength bleach seems like a good place to start.

CC ADDS: Sorry, LuLu, dear, but I'm exercising my right to be the Alpha Male here. Go. Watch. You'll see what I mean.

SNARKILICIOUS UPDATE FROM CC
: Oh, Lord. This really is the post that keeps on giving.

(Wag of the tail to Sheena for being the troublemaker that she is.)

24 comments:

Niles said...

You could always ask the blogging Tories and other social 'conservatives' how this fits into their "family values" (as defined by them). I can't help but suspect this would be espoused as something different from the creative work of say "Young People Futtering".

But, if he's throwing it on to a vanity online press as 'erotica', I wonder if there's a bonus soundtrack involving wahtawhauchickachickawau that keeps playing as the fortunate purchaser reads.

Frank Frink said...

Ummmmmmmmm...

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

What is it with conservative authoritarians and their 'Alpha Male' fantasies? Crap, just realized I answered my own question - Big Daddy Complex.

RT has more.

jj said...

For maybe the first time in my life, I am at a complete loss for words.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! will have to do for now

¢rÄßG®äŠŠ said...

A red F-150. A man's truck. Ron was ruggedly handsome.

Holy shit.

"She watched him get out and amble up to the door with the imposing presence his bulk always generated in the opposite sex."

Hmm. His bulk generated an imposing presence in the opposite sex.

Does Frank have an English teacher? Where is that smouldering horn-rimmed-glasses-wearing gangly-but-in-an-elegant-sexy-kind-of-way beauty? He needs a good spanking.

Should we assume he'll take care of that himself?

Dr.Dawg said...

Isn't that the publisher of Shaidle's latest tome?

Frank Frink said...

Yes it is, Doc. Online vanity press.

Chet Scoville said...

Oh, I'm physically ill.

Niles said...

I'm surprised no one has observed the fella is lavishly describing the manly tough-chuck in a barely sublimated androphilic fantasy? I wouldn't be surprised if the woman is just the 'beard' in the story.

I'm sure there are all sorts of psychological revelations into the author's mental turnings in how he words his work, but I'm just as sure I wouldn't pay for it. The internets is full of free baaaaaad writing in uberman Ho-lay-wood if I feel like watching a literary car crash.

Ti-Guy said...

"As Sue reached into her purse for the can of mace, her mind became became a jumble of dark thoughts...castration, divorce, murder...all things she had never thought she'd ever have to contemplate. And yet here she was, staring into an abyss and on the verge of being physically overcome by strange new compulsions welling up deep within her..."

Damn. That hawt!

Beijing York said...

Yawn. I had a wilder imagination when I was thirteen. Funny how the truck played such a big role in that brief and ridiculous encounter.

Frank Frink said...

I can't stop laughing.

Frank's summation:
Well it works out better than it sounds.

No Frank. I'll wager it doesn't.

900 ft Jesus said...

Is that guy fucking serious? That bit is wrong on so many, many levels. He’s a goddamn hypocrite, as well.

That’s the kind of trash we’d circulate (as University TAs) to show exceptionally poor (and ridiculous) writing. I don’t make fun of people’s writing skills unless they are pompous idiots like that who trash others and present their written vomit as though it is the ideal we should all strive for but can only dream of.

What crap.

JPV said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Frank Frink said...

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!

It's now available.

"Longing, revenge, fulfillment, joy; how do women cope with their fears; how do they gain their desires? Here are 30 short stories written about women in the new feminine century. You'll find jilted, funny, lovely, strong-minded, questioning, deeply sensual women in every possible situation. Erotic? Aren't all women, at heart, as interested in passion as love?"

Ummmm.. let's see. With 30 stories at one per day. Why, that's a whole month of guaranteed sleep.

pretty shaved ape said...

"As promised, here it is: The Erotic Woman at Lulu.com. I hope you enjoy it."

You should sue that thar vanity outfit for mental distress.

Robert McClelland said...

Why am I not the least bit surprised that Frank Hilliard's definition of erotica involves rape fantasies.

pretty shaved ape said...

30 erotic short stories by frank hilliard. patrick ross will run out of tube socks any time now.

rgraham666 said...

As a professional erotica writer my opinion on this is:

Good Lord! What a hideous piece of crap.

Stereotypical characters. An 'alpha' male, meaning poisoned with testosterone, selfish and not a bit cruel. A woman painted with so loose a brush we know nothing about her. Very few readers past puberty are going to give a shit about either of them.

Numbers! You never use numbers to describe a character. Saying some one is six two and two hundred and forty pounds tells us nothing about the character. Lots of people fit that description. What makes him unique? Is that wieght muscle or fat? How much of that height is the lifts he wears in his shoes?

Telling instead of showing. Sure Sue is 32 years old and a mother of two. What are you writing, buddy? A police report?

Really crappy dialog that adds nothing to the story, builds no relationship between the characters. Where's the tension? Where's the caring?

Above all there's no emotion. Where's the passion? Where's the lust? Where's the love? There could even be some fear in there on Ron's part. I write a fair bit of BDSM and even my subbiest sub would hoof Ron in the nuts if he came on to her like that.

God, that execrable piece of maggot ridden crap is one of the worst pieces of erotica it's been my misfortune to read. *Gag*

KEvron said...

"it was a dark and stormy night...."

you can have that keeper for free, dulliard.

KEvron

The Seer said...

I hope he doesn't describe oral sex by men upon women cuz I just found out that guys can get cancer of the mouth doing that kind of thing. http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2008/05/what_it_takes_to_sway_the_reli.php

liberal supporter said...

This sounds exactly like a story I read in Penthouse Forum back in the 70s. Yes, ole Ron bones Sue all right. Lots of all the usual varieties of sex lovingly described.

Later, Ron meets up with Sue's husband. As it turns out, there was gambling involved, but not a card game. It was a bet as to whether either of the wives would believe the cock and bull story about a poker game and then put out for the husband's friend! Sue's husband went to Ron's wife at the same time with similar results.

As they laugh at their wives for both being unfaithful, Ron says, "Yes, I just walked up to the door, knocked and she opened it." Sue's husband says "You didn't ring the door bell? Sue's almost never close enough to the door to hear a knock. She never sits at the front window." Ron says "Well I saw the curtain move as I came up the walk." Her husband says "Really! Your wife was right at the door too. Almost like they knew..." And the two alpha males have another beer and laugh while they plan how to pretend they didn't figure it out.

Sorry Frank.

Frank Frink said...

patrick ross will run out of tube socks any time now.

The Ape wins the thread. Glad I didn't have any food of beverage in my mouth when I read that.

Alpha Male said...

Well, my fantasies are all pretty standard fair for us guys...

Two hot red heads, feeding me grapes, cranking the juice on the car ba....


Errr, never mind.

the rev. paperboy said...

Okay, that's it. Frank has GOT to be a satire. Nobody writes that badly accidentally.