Saturday, April 11, 2009

Your Easter weekend spirituality, as it were. Part one.

Easter, CC HQ style.

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth...

Yes, yes, we all know how it starts, let's move this along, shall we?

And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.

Quite right, light is good, I think we're all with you on that.

And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness...

Yeah, um, I'm pretty sure that there was no need to "divide" the light from the darkness, what with darkness being merely an absence of light, know what I'm saying? Can we pick this up? I'm starting to nod off.

And the evening and the morning were the second day.

OK, so it was a busy day. Then what? Ah, day three:

And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.

And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good.

And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.

And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

And the evening and the morning were the third day.

Yes, yes, yes, bunches of stuff happening on day three. Good job. And then?

And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:

I'm sorry ... I thought we'd already done this "light" thing back on day two. Kind of necessary for all those plants on day three, wouldn't you say? And what's this?

And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night:

Note to Omniscient Deity -- the moon is not a "light." I'm just sayin'.

And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven.

And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth.

And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.

OK, got it -- fifth day, "every living creature that moveth." Whales, fowl, the whole kit and kaboodle. Busy day, I'm sure. Then what?

And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so.

And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

Whoa, whoa, whoa ... I thought we'd already been there and done that the day before. Did we somehow forget? Apparently, omnipotence isn't all it's cracked up to be. Then what? Ah, the important stuff:

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth...

And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.

And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made.

Got it -- animals, then people. Makes sense, and we're pretty much done here so it's time to kick back and crack open a cold one on the seventh day and ... hey, hey, hey! What the fuck? What's this?

These are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, in the day that the LORD God made the earth and the heavens, ...

I'm sorry, I thought we'd been through this. Do you think we weren't paying attention that you have to tell us the whole thing again in Chapter Two? Fine ... we'll pay attention this time. And away we go ...

And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew: for the LORD God had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a man to till the ground...

Um, OK, plants to start things off. Not quite the way we remember it from before but, what the hell, let's go with that.

And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.

Whoa, whoa, whoa ... what the fuck? What happened to this "animals, then people" stuff from before? Is this the same story? Where are all the animals? And, for that matter, where's the chick? So far, we've got plants and a dude, and that is so not what I remember from earlier. Let's keep going and see if this works out, shall we?

And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.

Still waiting for the animals and the babe ...

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

All right, then, it's about freakin' time since this so doesn't agree with the earlier version but maybe it will somehow all work out, although I'm starting to have my doubts. Then what?

And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.

OK, so it's man, then animals, as opposed to the earlier version. That's a bit confusing, wouldn't you say? And still waiting for the chick to show up. Ah, here we go:

And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;

And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.

So it's animals, then people ... no, wait, it's man, then animals, then woman. No, wait, it's ... oh, screw it. Come back when you have a religion that makes chronological sense.


mikmik said...

I decided I would read the bible recently. I'd heard and read about all kinds of discordances but I didn't expect such blatant contradictions right off the very start!!

I also like to point out that Jesus was supposedly executed(I say supposedly because his existence is even in question)on Friday afternoon yet his tomb was found empty on Sunday.
That 2 days, or fucking what!? It isn't three, like the bible says, so WTF!!!
Christ was to be three days and three nights in the grave
Matt 12:40
"For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale's belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth."

Christ was but two days and two nights in the grave
Mark 15:25,42,44,45,46; 16:9>

Two, very fucking major problems with the core of Christain documentation, two very fucking major red flags to credibility.

Alison said...

Aw, c'mon, mikmik, you mean to tell me you've never lost a day on a weekend?

s said...

Well mikmik, congratulations on being the first person in 2000 years to find the fatal flaw in Christianity. You are so very clever, but perhaps a little more research will explain why there is contradiction. Come on...Google is your friend.