Sunday, December 20, 2009

Yeah, about that "Biblical Law" ...

And if the Reform Party of Canada ever gets its majority, we might expect to see:

"I think every Christian is under an obligation to change laws to reflect biblical values," [Harper's deputy chief of staff Darrel] Reid said on the website

Awesome. Where would we start?

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I do look forward to your enlightenment regarding the questions that puzzle me. Then I shall pass them along to others who may appreciate your moral leadership.


(Name withheld by request)

Suddenly, I'm not so worried about Sharia Law. It seems almost sane by comparison. But maybe that's just me.

And Darrel Reid really should shut the fuck up.


Romantic Heretic said...

I can't speak for other Canadians but making a slave out of this Canadian will require an awesome effort of time, ammo, money and pain. *evil laugh*

Ti-Guy said...

Yeah, but think of what you could do with the food you're expected to prepare? Snotchos, anyone? The thought brings out the artiste in me...

You wonder just how many gallons of bodily fluids the average slave owner and their families consumed over their lifetimes.

sooey said...

Fuckin' A - Biblical law decrees against two different types of thread in the same garment.

Luna said...

Absolutely fabulous.

I have a crazy sister who insists she follows biblical law to the T. I shall have to send her this.

Buddie Dharma said...

Cotton-polyester blends are OK. Leviticus 19:19 is quite specific in prohibiting only blends of wool and linen.