Bless You Pastor Swank

Crazy people at Renew America are trying to poison the minds of the world with their oogus-boogus denial of rationality. Hey, what could make more sense than religion when it comes to explaining things? Hmmm.

"There are no permanent victories in politics," a defender of Intelligent Design said. "You do not get paradigm shifts overnight. Whether the ultimate victory is today or it's tomorrow or it's two years from now, people demand that they get open discussion of this issue."

Which is short for, it don't matter how many times or how clearly their claptrap is debunked, disproven and dismissed, they will keep coming back, time and time again. They are the intellectual equivalent of cockroaches. Sure you pay the exterminator to spray but eventually...

This was in response to the Ohio Board of Education voting 11 to 4 to "toss out a mandate that 10th grade biology classes include critical analysis of evolution and an accompanying model lesson plan," according to the New York Times' Jodi Rudoren.

Congratulations Ohio, round on both ends and retarded through and through. Let's just toss biology out of the sciences because it just can't account for people as utterly fucking bewildered as Grant Swank surviving among the fittest.

The whole matter is still in flux and will continue to be. The reason? Because there are intelligent persons who know that Charles Darwin's theory is full of holes. Large holes. Extra large holes.

Holes. Large holes. Swank holes. And they are in flux. Yes, intelligent people who know about holes. I gather Pastor Swank would fancy himself as one of those, both intelligent and a knower of holes. He must grow weary fighting agianst all of that wild speculation, amassed over decades and decades of careful study and findings by those pesky scientists. It must tax poor Grant as he puckers his lips, straining over one of the holes that he knows. I'm sure at the end of the day he's positively Haggard.

I believe, first of all, evolution is a crock.

And a crock is a kind of pot, that over time slowly makes food out of plant and animal parts. But food doesn't just occur. Food needs to be selected and prepared and dare I say, designed. Praise the crock, blessed be the crock.

It takes a lot of faith to believe that I came from an ameba. A lot of faith!

A lot of faith indeed. An amoeba, why how could a little single celled being produce something as massively complex and sophisticated as a mostly hairless ape that has developed both verbal and symbolic language? It would be like imagining that there were some tadpole like being in the issue of a man that would flow forth from the sin of copulation and fill the womb. And perhaps even more than one of these writhing beings, propelled by their tails would find one, invisibly small, single cell among the countless trillions of cells in a woman's body and somehow this wriggling thing would not only find but penetrate this singular, microbial egg cell. And in so doing, it would set in motion a process that caused the woman's cell to combine with the man's cell and to divide and to multiply not once but repeatedly, exponentially. Causing somehow, a viable human baby to come from the improbable union of one minute cell from one body with a cell from another body. You see how ridiculous that sounds. Poppy he cocks, poppy. Why the only sane explanation is an old man that lives in the sky.

So evolution should be taught in Faith Class, otherwise known in parochial schools as Religion Class.

Yes and Jesusology should be moved from faith to science. After all, Jesus is all true, right? So being true, Jesus isn't a theory, Jesus is a fact. And where are facts taught? That's right in science class. Fuckery, we had it all backwards this whole time, silly post-enlightenment types. In this fast paced, modern world, we can't be slowing our kids down with silly theories. No more theory of gravity. Put that notion out of your heads, we are bound to the earth because god in all of his magnificence is pushing down on our heads. Otherwise we'd be floating about and interfering with the birds. Like they say, if god wanted us to fly he'd have given us enormous bladders and an organ that vents hydrogen.

It's a crazy world we live in. Crazier every day. But one of the craziest notions that ever came down the pike is evolution. Who in his right mind would ever believe that the complicated homo sapien derived from a speck? That's getting the larger from the smaller.

Crazy I tells ya, crazy. Why, that kind of craziness is to imagine, in your gin & sin soaked liberal fantasies, that anything would react to its environment and change or adapt over millions of years and billions of generations. Lunacy. Why if that were the case then, gosh, if you cut open a woman there'd be no trace of the rib bone that Adam gave up for Eve's creation. And Christians have cut open a lot of women, mostly witches I assure you, and they do indeed have ribs. Case closed.

When I was in school, we were taught that one of the fundamental postulates is that one cannot get the greater from the smaller. Yet that is what evolution is all about — greater from the smaller. Now that's a crock.

A crock. A full on Proctor Silex, glass lidded crock. Why if we were single celled organisms, that would mean we'd come from something smaller or something. Everyone knows that there is no such thing as symbiosis, no two things can unite to dwell in intimacy and interdependence. No two things that are not the same can be combined in harmony. Else something greater would have come from the smaller. Why that would require the blasphemy of adaptation. That would mean that simple things were capable of learning and adapting and we all know that is not the case. You (and I mean you men) were shaped from mud and your chattel were sprung from our own rib by the handiwork of god. Anything else is a crock, obviously.

Evolution is furthermore an insult to the intelligent brain.

Pastor Swank knows about insults to the intelligent mind. And holes. Whereas this is a balm to the intelligent mind!

That's why the world is crazy when the so-called intelligentsia defend this notion called "evolution." The PhDs do that. The professors do that. The textbook writers and so forth do that. They all get in their clique and stroke one another with this Alice from Wonderland fancy that we all came from a speck.

Craaaaazzyyyy! Tens, nay, hundreds of thousands of sober academics, soldiering away in labs, pouring carefully over the millions of articles, extracts and findings and countless experiments. Hah. How could you possibly imagine that they'd know anything? None of their mad fantasies are even in the bible! Why it is like some drug fueled mind fever and they are trying to infect our precious babies with it. Imagine, these crazed professionals dedicate their entire lives to the rigorous study of biology and their crazy evolution ideas and what have they to show for it? Nothing! Well, except medicine and a few other things but nothing!

Then they throw in the Big Bang Whatever. This complicated universe and planet Earth just blew into place. There's another nuthouse one for you.

Yes. That part is true. Whenever I speak to someone about biological evolution, they immediately start in on quantum physics. Every fucking time. Hah. The earth just blew into place, accreting from the particulate debris of some vast series of cosmic events. How could that make any sense when we all know that Mr. Invisible just wished it all into existence in a week. Crazy nuthousers.

So, back to Faith Class, evolution and Darwin and the boys need to be put in Faith Class. It takes as much faith to believe in evolution as it does in angels and demons and an invisible God. It takes as much faith to believe in Darwin's spin as it does to believe that Jesus fed thousands with a kid's lunch.

So, so much faith. Really. I mean just look at the common sense right there in that paragraph. Jesus fed thousands with a loaf and a fish, which is true and proved because it is in the bible and god wrote that to make sure it was true and because he's god he can do anything. And we all know like he said before that you can't get the greater from the smaller, because that is crazy talk.

Now at least Religion Class is up front about its basic postulate. It starts with faith. Religion Class makes no bones about it. The instructor starts with telling pupils that they have to believe.

You have to believe. You have to. Believe. What could be more clear. You have to believe. So you believe. Therefore it is true.You don't need any of that silly proof to inform your faith like those crazy cuckoo evolutionofascists.

So Christians, for example, say they have faith there is a God of the Bible, angels, demons, heaven, hell, afterlife, saving grace, judgment, and so forth.

Yeah. Not that crazy fairy tale stuff of observation, data and careful study. Good, solid, factual stuff like angels and demons and the mystery of grace and all of it proved by belief, and so forth.

They don't try to prove it. In fact, Christians say that finally all that can't be proven for if mortal could prove it, mortal would be God.

No. They don't try to prove it. If they could prove it, they would have to be god. And they aren't god, which proves that god is what they are not, therefore it is all true.

So unabashedly Christians start with faith and say that if you don't want to have the faith, that's your choice. You have the decision-making powers to cancel out faith for non-faith and that is your right as a free will being.

Yes. If you don't want to believe, that's your choice and we will consign you to an eternal damnation of hellfire and suffering at the hands of the king of the demons who rules in the pits of an abyss called hell and that's the devil. And nothing proves that there is an all knowing, all powerful and all loving, benevolent god like the first of his angels rebelling behind his back. What says omnipotent better than almost losing the keys to all of creation? And because god loves us all so much, if we don't constantly remind him of our faith, he'll commit us to eternal torment. Now that, ladies and gents, is real love.

But when it comes to evolution, the adherents make us hold to that nonsense as a fact. They press it upon us as evangelists of Darwin. And of course it's not a fact any more than fairy tales are facts. Evolution is a theory, and an exceptionally wide-eyed foolish one at that. Nevertheless, it is a mere theory as much as tapioca pudding causes Milky Ways is a theory.

Fuck yeah. Fucking evangelists. Everybody knows that nobody is more sinister and spins more lies than a freaking evangelist. What? Oh...heh heh, never mind that last part. Maybe if we called them evomangelists, yeah, the liars. I tell you folks, how can you trust a theory? A theory isn't a fact, a theory is a fairy tale. And who knows fairy tales better than someone that actually believes in invisbile beings, angels and demons, spirits and monsters and magical realms where we dwell in eternity?

So evolution should be taught in Faith Class if it's going to be put upon the students in public schools. It does not certainly belong in science class. It's not a science. It's not a proven fact. Now of course if there is a chapter in science class about theories, then evolution can be presented as a theory as much as Alice in Wonderland can be presented as a theory. But nothing more than a theory.

I think old Pastor Swank is totally right here. No theories in science class. Theoretical physics, cancelled. Theory of relativity, verbotten. That word theory, why it stands for all manner of devilry. They even snuck it into the scientific method. If you look real careful like, it's hiding right there in the first part of it, hypothesis...thesis...theory! Fuckers. That tears it. No more of that scientific method in the science class room neither.

Yes, the world is crazy. And getting crazier still.

Boy. You can sure say that again Pastor Swank. Here you are, a man of the cloth arguing against faith and fairy tales. Because your faith in invisible realms and magical, supernatural beings is somehow different? When it comes to chosing a flavour of crazy, this ape seems a far better bet to me: