An O'Reilly Factor Christmas

Once again, the tides of laziness lap at my toes, so here for your delectation I submit another delightful Xmas memory. From December, 2005, a classic retold...

'twas the night before holiday
and there at fox news
not a sentient was stirring
neither brain cells, nor clues

gibson was nestled
all snug in the back
with his toilet brush head
wedged up his proverbial crack

but then from the studio
there arose such a clatter
that i sprang from my chair
spilling fish sticks (beer battered!)

i ran to production
and threw open the blinds
and there to my eyes
was a sight (the worst kind)

bill o'reilly in chaps
and his eyes were so wide
his talking points dangled
little lies and false chides

he brandished a loufa
his four cheeks were red
it was clear, holiday fever
had gone to his head

he cursed and he bellowed
damning heathens and you
for killing babies and christmas
with your secular views

so sudden he turned
and then with a roar
like bush, he went pulling
on the push exit door

he pummeled an intern
for their holiday wish
and took down a moderate
with a knee to the knish

he visited horror
upon all with his power
to lie and defame
on his spin and spun hour

he called out the media
he called out the stores
he throttled the truth
like his personal whore

soon he had spent
the last of his issue
the carpet was ruined
he called for a tissue

greasing the runners
of his dismal black sled
with the tallow he rendered
from the christmas war dead

he shot us the finger
then climbed o'er the side
he took up his whips
to sting the sweet hide

for there at the front
was a four pair, strong team
of flying butt monkeys
with a lash, he then screamed

on venom, on avarice
on vitriol and greed
on bully, on bastard
on liar and screed

we waited until we saw
the very last of the shape
of that cruel lying prick
and his aviating apes

our stomachs resettled
no more gorge on the rise
as the echoes soon faded
from his last venal cries

we take things for granted
in our holiday stride
like blowhards and bullshit
from those drunk on pride

but never a holiday
was so betrayed, 'til we heard
"i will get them"
in bill's very own christmas words

- for bill o'reilly,
professional asshole