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Quebec town posts ignorance manifesto

Lazlo Pink cub reporter, CC News
Published: Monday, February 5, 2007

"The people of Herouxville, Que,. say they welcome immigrants to their small town, but there are a few things they want to make clear: for instance..."

For instance the people of Herouxville are frightened. They're afraid of people that aren't like them. Change isn't easy and for an isolated, small town in rural Quebec, the prospect of having to accommodate new people and customs has proven overwhelming.

In an act of savage enlightenment, the municipal council cooked up a code of standards and shipped it off to both federal and provincial agencies and officials. This helpful information is to be distributed to the poor souls hoping to build new lives and seek their fortunes in a new and free land.

What exactly do these deluded hill folk want their potential new neighbours to know? Here are a few items highlighted in the Post:

"- It is forbidden to stone women, burn them alive, throw acid on them or circumcise girls."

Well, I'm sure that a young immigrant family from the Alsace will be plenty relieved to hear that. What about smiting them with swords? That should be on the list. I mean, this is a good start but there's so much more they need to address. You almost get the feeling they've really only applied themselves to a tiny fraction of potential immigrant problems. Oh, one quibble, if you can't burn women alive, is it okay to burn them once they're dead? Just asking.

So let's amend and expand this list (feel free to add advice in comments):

Dear Potential Irish Protestant newcomer, welcome! It is forbidden to plant explosive devices in bars, bistros and pubs, open fire on Catholic funeral processionals or cheer for the Leafs unless they are playing Detroit.

To our new Caribbean resident, salut! It is forbidden to smoke marihuana in public for either recreation or sacramental purposes. It is forbidden to cause our womenfolk to long for the caress of your dusky skin while imagining a moonlit tussle on the warm sand of your island home. It is further forbidden to impregnate our daughters, wives, sisters or female relatives, friends and associates and the refer to them as baby mothers. And gang wars employing automatic weapons fire are also frowned upon.

Considering a move from Dixie? Welcome to Herouxville! It is forbidden to erect and burn large crosses on property that is not your own. To erect and burn a large cross on your own property requires a permit from the Fire and Safety Office. It is forbidden to hang black or darkly complected people. Further, skip the next two rules. See note regarding veils, masks and face covering. White robes are still okay.

"- Consumption of alcohol is common in Herouxville, as is dancing. "At the end of every year, we decorate a tree with balls and tinsel and some lights. This is normally called 'Christmas decorations' or also 'Christmas tree.' "

Welcome, our new Lebanese friend! We are unwilling to learn anything about you or your culture because we've had a few. We often have a few. You gotta problem with that? We see our own ignorance as a virtue and since we don't and will never learn, we'll condescend to you instead. Every winter, between drinks, we put our balls in a special tree and it lights up. That's called Christmas. You wouldn't understand. It's from the Bible and that's from the Holy land. Where God comes from. A what? A Maronite? Is that some outer space thing?

"- Boys and girls swim together in public pools."

Dear Japanese newcomer, sionara or something! Our public swimming facilities provide a cold, refreshing and heavily chlorinated bathing experience. Our idea of cleansing before entering the public area is to wet your hair under a dribbling shower head. The considered sum of our etiquette is, no running on the deck. And put your trunks on, this ain't no sento. Hot tubs, usually on our back decks, are used for private relaxation and awkward seduction.

"- Veils are not welcome. "The only time you may mask or cover your face is during Halloween."

Dear World, don't move here, damn foreigners! This is the one provision I would love to see put on the town books in beautiful, scenic Herouxville. Make this beauty a town ordinance and pass the Tim-Bits. I would love to see this particular law enforced. Fucking performance art.

"You there, behind the veil, remove that mask immediately. Put your hands on that box and spread your legs. I said spread 'em. Owch! Tabernac, what on... oh my God! I'm covered in bees!"

"Dispatch, I've got a 307 in progress at the Mont Malavise Memorial Gardens. Appears to be a widow, request backup, there's a lot of mourners. Over."

Hallowe'en! That is fucking brilliant. Every bride a potential criminal, every welder blinded, no team mascot safe from the long arm of fucking imbeciles. "The only time you may mask or cover your face is during Halloween." Sucks to be a goalie in Herouxville. This whole stinking mess reminds me of something, what was that...oh, the Iranian Religious Colour Coding Scandal. Except the Iranians didn't pass a law to force Jews or Christians to wear armbands, patches, patterns, tartans or tattoos. It was made up. False. Fibs. These mutton heads actually want to impress conformity on people by insulting them, limiting their freedom of religion and legally require them to affect a manner of dress proscribed by their beliefs.

This isn't about immigrants or cultural assimilation. This is about fear. Fear of muslims based on ignorant assumptions, the very broadest of stereotypes and a steady diet of propaganda. Ever since The Day That Everything Changed When The Terrorists Attacked (TDTECWTTAtm), North America has had a blanket policy of suspicion. Arabs and Muslims have been demonized to the point that we have abandoned reason. The fear portrayed in this small town's struggle to face change is sad but understandable. Understanding and empathy toward others are things they should be looking at, not costume or custom. This level of fear isn't rational.

A lot of people are pumping their fists in the air and applauding. The scope of fear and depth of distrust that we have infected ourselves with just makes us smaller. There's a lot of smallness in the comments here and brave attempts to speak sense to the witless by Dawg and Bow. TDTECWTTAtm was the day that terrorists began this epic nightmare but after the taliban were driven into the hills, after the dog and pony circus of lies went on the road to Faluja, after every corner turned and throe thrown, after all of the bullshit, torture, a symphony of failures and graft, it feels like this is where the terrorists won. In a little town in Canada.

The full text of the town standards are appended to the post article. Read the very last line and bathe in the delusion. Fucking hippies.

Tip of the hat to Mike from the comments.

And I'm using caps just to be contrary, thanks.