Dear "Torch": Fuck you.

Those lovable scamps at "The Torch" are getting seriously bored with all this human rights bullshit:

Brian Platt, at THE CANADA-AFGHANISTAN BLOG, sees the bigger picture that's being lost in our political madhouse:

Ah...this is just killing me. It's killing me.

At the very moment when the Americans have, for the first time ever, committed themselves to a fully-resourced mission to build a functioning state in Afghanistan, and when our country needs to be debating what our commitment after 2011 will look like, we are going to be talking for MONTHS ON END about whether Afghan detainees were abused three years ago. Good grief...

...the fact that we're calling this a scandal is embarrassing and laughable. Have you seen the living conditions in Afghanistan? Have you read that country's history in the past 30 years? If only a few Taliban prisoners have been abused, that's not a scandal, it's a MIRACLE. It is a massive step forward from where that country has been in recent times. Can people not understand this?!

There is no scandal here, aside from the all-too-familiar incompetence of our government's public relations team.

Can we please, for the love of God and all that is holy, talk about something RELEVANT? Get serious about this? Determine what role our country will continue to play in Afghanistan's ongoing struggle to lift itself out of anarchy and violence?

Please. Please. I'm begging you, journalists, editors, bloggers. Get some fucking perspective.

Please.

No shit. What is this obsession with whether a bunch of innocent farmers had the crap beaten out of them in an Afghani prison somewhere? Let's make sure we all understand the critically fundamental point here: They weren't white.

Are we good? Yeah, we're good. Carry on.

AFTERSNARK: Curiously, Blogging Tory Paul E. Marek -- whose son allegedly serves in the Canadian forces -- also has no problem with captured combatants being tortured. One wonders if Paul is even capable of logical analysis and the study of consequences.

I'm guessing not.

No, I said "proactive," not "reactive."

When planning goes horribly, horribly wrong:



I'm imagining Stephen Taylor addressing a gathering of his beloved Blogging Tories:

"If we work day and night for the next year, we can eventually catch up to the Progressive Bloggers of Canada, in the sense of having well-written, cogent, thoughtful and educated political analysis and ... Justin! Take that out of your mouth! You don't know where it's been! No, Maria, I don't care if you've written another song, I don't want to hear it. And for the last time, Neo, this obsession you have with murdered black people is seriously starting to creep me out. Seriously."

I'm pretty sure it would go down kind of like that. Something retarded involving "Hunter" would probably be involved as well. Call it a hunch.

Given the monstrous massivity of the federal deficit, ...

... I'm guessing a few million bucks thrown around doesn't really matter anymore:

'Outrage' after departing staffers pocket $7M

Prime Minister Stephen Harper's government has paid out nearly $7 million to political staffers who have left their jobs over the past two years.

The amount of "separation pay" that was doled out at the discretion of cabinet ministers is more than twice the amount of "severance pay" the Conservatives were obliged to pay departing political aides under government guidelines.

In a response to a written question tabled in the House of Commons, Treasury Board president Vic Toews revealed that between Oct. 19, 2007, and Oct. 19, 2009, the government handed out $2.01 million to departing aides in severance pay and $4.9 million in separation pay.

Seven million. Big deal. It's not like a few million would make that much difference to anyone. Oh, wait (emphasis tail-waggingly added):

Kairos' funding cut, no explanation
By Josiah Neufeld | Friday, December 4, 2009

TORONTO, ON—Violated women in Congo, families whose members have been kidnapped in Indonesia, churches working for peace in Sudan—these are a few of the groups left high and dry after the Canadian International Development Agency (CIDA) abruptly terminated funding to Kairos in November.

There was no explanation, just a phonecall to inform executive director Mary Corkery that the church-based social justice organization she leads no longer fits CIDA's priorities and will not be receiving the $7.1 million that makes up about half of Kairos' budget for the next four years.

We're seriously sorry, Kairos, but come on -- seven million bucks just doesn't grow on trees, ya know? Suck it up.

In unrelated news, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper once received a humanitarian award. For humanitarianism. Or something.

An idea we can all get behind.

Blogging Tory "Iceman" actually has an excellent proposal:

A day into my pledge drive to put a Tory Blogger into outer space, I am sad to report raising $0 in donations. I understand that seeking $200,000 for a ticket to space may have been a mountain too big to climb, but I had a dream.

Oh, wait ... you want to put a Blogging Tory into space, then bring him back? Suddenly, not so interested.

Awesome. Seriously, just awesome.

Recently, one General Walter Natynczyk has been all the news lately with his shocking about-face in terms of detainee testimony. Yeah, you know what's coming, don't you? Page one:



Let me save both of us a shitload of time:



That would be page 20, going back to December 2 just for the heck of it (having perused every single page in between), and not a single reference to Natynczyk anywhere by anyone there, except for this back on page three:



That would be Justin "Raging 'Roids Weightlifter" Hoffer, with a reference having nothing whatsoever to do with the issue at hand.

Ponder if you will.

An entire aggregator of Canada's allegedly politically astute whingnuts, not a single one of which has written a single post on one of the more astonishing revelations of this Afghan detainee clusterfuck. Not. A. Single. One.

It explains so much, doesn't it?

I do not watch Canadian news, it is so biased it is not credible anymore.

What I do is go to Blogging Tories to find the latest news.

And, suddenly, the screeching, howling, drooling bone-stick-stone ignorance is no longer a mystery.

UH OH ... we might all want to get comfortable for this. I'm thinking this is going to involve Peter MacKay and a sock full of quarters.

Christopher Alexander has some serious 'splainin' to do.

Indeed.

Dear darlings:

Should anyone have the connections to get their hands on the original PDF files of these -- and not the scanned version at the link -- please to be sending them to my email addy on my profile tout de suite.

I just might be able to remove Big Daddy’s gratuitous redacting.

Thanks bunches,
LuLu

P.S. Dear DFAIT, CSIS et al:

You so don’t scare me.

Tragedy

Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck

The knee-slapping funny of a dead mom.

A little heartbreak:

TORONTO -- A Toronto woman who ran a shipping business between Canada, Ecuador and Colombia was shot dead while she tended to her two-year-old daughter outside her Weston apartment building.

For nearly two decades, 45-year-old Laura Rios ran Rios Envios, most recently out of an office park near Keele St. and Lawrence Ave., where shocked employees yesterday recalled her toddler, Emma, running around the building.

Of course, even before we know any details, it wouldn't be a Toronto homicide without Blogging Tory "Neo Conservative" weighing in with some snickering mockery involving a newly-orphaned 2-year-old:



Ha ha ... "bang bang ... you're dead" ... oh, man, that is funny shit. Blogging Tory co-founder Stephen Taylor must be so proud. One wonders if he gets the same kind of stiffy that Neo does when mothers get murdered.

Can someone ask him? I'm just curious.

Screwed if you don't, screwed if you don't.

After mocking Blogging Tory Paul Marek yesterday, one of the Canadian Wankersphere's more delightful urchins felt an overpowering urge to run over to Paul's and squeal, "Moooooooommmm! Someone's picking on us!!"



So, if I understand this correctly, when we show up at their places of discourse for some intellectual engagement, we are mocked, denigrated, insulted, moderated, deleted and contemptuously dismissed as leftard trolls, HAHAHAHA, LOL, ROTFL!!!

When we don't stop by, however, we're cowardly sissies.

We're pretty well fucked either way, aren't we?

... and that chiselled jaw, and those firm hands ...

CC NEWS -- Stephen Harper Party of Canada attack wolverine John Baird leaps to the defense of one of Canada's men in uniform:

Mr. Baird was ready with a response. “Mr. Speaker, let us be very clear. Let us talk about the facts,” he boldly declared. “The then-Vice Chief of the Defence Staff, General Walter Natynczyk, a decorated war hero, someone who has served our country in uniform for decades, ..."

Continued Baird, his voice cracking and his eyes misting over:

"... a beautiful uniform, a manly uniform, a uniform that makes you long to touch it, to stroke it, to feel the taut, rippling muscles scarcely concealed beneath its perpetual immaculateness, the colour setting off the steel-blue eyes of the man, the brave man, the courageous man, the grizzled, handsome man ..."

Baird broke off, announcing that he suddenly remembered something he had to do and that he would be in his office if anyone really needed him, but don't forget to knock first.

All the news that's fit to ... bright, shiny thing: Part deux.

Got some serious Robert Dziekanski-related news happening here:

Report on RCMP draws mixed reaction

There is mixed reaction in the wake of the Tuesday's report by the Commission for Public Complaints Against the RCMP on the force's handling of the events leading up to and following the death of Robert Dziekanski.

Commissioner Paul Kennedy spent two years investigating the RCMP's role in the Polish immigrant's sudden death at Vancouver International Airport in October 2007.

And so, to work:





Hang on ... what's this?



Oh ... a single reference to the RCMP ... regarding alleged Liberal corruption. God forbid we interrupt that Liberal slagfest with a passing reference to a murdered Polish air traveller. Wouldn't want to harsh anyone's mellow over there, would we?

And this is where we juxtapose, chick-style ...

On the one hand, there's the methodical journalistic talent of Progressive blogger Impolitical.

On the other hand, there's ... there's ... oh, fuck it.

You probably didn't need that last part first thing in the morning, did you?

All the news that's fit to ... hey, bright shiny thing!

Dear "Torch":

Remember that most recent piece you did on Christie Blatchford -- that fawning, obsequious paean to her journalistic skills?

Monday, November 30, 2009

"Richard Colvin's story of widespread torture and indifference is unravelling"

That according to Brian Lilley, Ottawa Bureau Chief for radio stations Newstalk 1010 in Toronto and CJAD 800 in Montreal (links in original):

Leaks abound on the issue of torture in Afghanistan. Those supporting and those opposing the claims of Richard Colvin are trying hard to make sure that Canadian journalists have access to the documents at the centre of the controversy.

The Globe and Mail columnist and Newstalk 1010 commentator Christie Blatchford has her hands on redacted copies of Richard Colvin's emails and finds his evidence wanting.

Actually, Torch boys, things have changed slightly since then. I just thought I'd point that out. Feel free to do an update, you know, whenever.

No rush.

P.S. This moist and sticky thing you Torch kids have for Blatchford? Kind of creepy. I'm just sayin'.

AFTERSNARK: You pretty much have to know what's coming next:



Which makes this still so milk-snortingly funny:

I do not watch Canadian news, it is so biased it is not credible anymore.

What I do is go to Blogging Tories to find the latest news.

I swear, that one's just never getting old.

Yes!

Dear [insert deity of choice]:

Bring it on. This girl is working from home for the rest of the week.

P.S. My phone's ringing -- guess who it is.

Go on ... guess.

Dear Steve:

Stephen Taylor is my bitch. Back off.

Tomatoes ... high-powered rifles ... yeah, that's a tossup, I guess.

Over at "Celestial Stupidity," Blogging Tory Paul E. Marek of Saskatoon is heartbroken over the savage and brutal violence of the Left:



By way of comparison, those on the Right would prefer to express their displeasure and disapproval in more measured and thoughtful ways. As you can see, they refuse to use tomatoes, because that would be wrong.

All right, what have you done with Neo?

Over at "Halls of Massive Dementia," someone impersonating Blogging Tory "Neo Conservative" is feigning actual concern and compassion for an autistic child:



Huh. Quite the turnaround from the Tori Stafford incident:



Shorter "Neo Conservative" to Woodstock: "Fuck you and your grief."

Ladies and gentlemen, your Blogging Tories. Let's give them a big hand.

Locking down the borders and keeping out the evildoers.

Uh oh ... apparently, there's some heavy judiciatin' going down today:

U.S. Supreme Court hears Black appeal Tuesday

Conrad Black is taking his fight to the U.S. Supreme Court in a last-ditch appeal that, if successful, could grant him the vindication he has long dreamed of and cast doubt on a controversial law used to trap white-collar criminals.

The former media mogul, who gave up his Canadian citizenship to become a member of the British House of Lords, has been serving a 6½-year term at the federal prison in Coleman, Fla., for fraud and obstruction of justice. He will not be present at the hearing in Washington on Tuesday.

I await the thoughtful and nuanced position of Captain Canada Stephen Taylor, for whom even a whiff of legalistic impropriety on the part of non-citizens is enough for him opine, "HAHAHAHA! OMFG! LOL! ROTFLMAO!"

Or something like that.

I don't know, wanks, it's purely a mystery.

Shorter shrieky Canadian wankersphere: "How did those Greenpeace protestors get up there on top of the Parliament buildings? How was that possible? How did they defeat security? How did our government allow that to happen?"

Yes, wankers, let's ponder how your current hard-right governing party was intellectually outwitted by a bunch of liberal progressives. Who could have imagined that? An entirely shocking development, I have to say.

It's a mystery.

In the interests of full disclosure ...

... let's correct the record regarding searching the Blogging Tories web site in order to humiliate them by demonstrating how relentlessly they avert their eyes from the wrong kind of news -- a brand new game we're having all kinds of fun with lately.

Back here, regular commenter Renee states:

CC linked to the BT aggregator, which is the sum of the (ahem) intelligence on the Right. Not a single blog - despite it being the sum of all the blogs. Not a SINGLE ONE is talking about the tragedy.

Actually, no, that's not what's happening. When I post those screencaps, all the search represents is a search of the current main page over there -- that is, page one, not the entire sum of all of the BT aggregator throughout history. So it's entirely possible that someone over at Mouthbreather Central blogged about a particular topic, but that that post simply and inevitably shifted off the main page because of newer material coming in. It's always possible.

However, I still consider that kind of search to be enlightening because it represents, typically, a few dozen posts, every one of which is ruthlessly ignoring some bit of current news that absolutely everyone else is talking about.

Fact is, I'd dearly love to up the humiliation factor by doing a full, BT-wide, historically-unlimited search ... and I used to do that until Stephen Taylor removed that search feature from the BT web site. I have no idea why he did that, but I like to think it's because I used it to such awesome and devastating effect that he had no choice but to take it away from me. It's just a guess, but it makes me feel good to believe it.

And the record is now corrected.

P.S. As of 5:04 this morning, there's page 1:



and page 2:



and page 3:



and page 4:



and page 5:



I think you get the idea. Which makes this recent admission by Blogging Tory Brenda/"Hunter" so pants-pissingly funny:

I do not watch Canadian news, it is so biased it is not credible anymore.

What I do is go to Blogging Tories to find the latest news.

Yeah, that's pretty much a guaranteed recipe for being as ignorant as it's physically possible to be, wouldn't you say?

BONUS TRACK: As I understand it, I am a complete and total douchebag for acting all smug and such because we here at CC HQ get regular links from the New York Times "Blogrunner" service when, as has been explained to me, those links are totally worthless because they're automatically generated and they're worth nothing and it doesn't mean that anyone over there is actually reading what we write or something to that effect.

On the other hand, here's Blogging Tory "Hunter":

I usually try to stay under the wire because I can't understand why Stephen thinks my blog is worthy of the "front page", ...

Maybe someone should explain the concept of "scrolling" to Brenda.

The attack of the retarded mullet.

Apparently, while I might mock Canada's Blogging Tories for being monumentally indifferent to the murder of 14 female engineering students, I myself am a horrific hypocrite, as recently reported by the country's most famous intellectually defective and pathologically dishonest mullet:



Yes, that's Mullet Boy, demonstrating to the world that one will search this blog in vain for the phrase "L'Ecole Polytechnique," proving what sort of despicable hypocrite I am. Of course, if one relaxed that search ever so slightly and scanned instead for the slightly shorter "Ecole Polytechnique," well, things would be noticeably different.

I'm guessing Twatsy tried that latter search first, didn't like what he got for matches, whereupon he deliberately adjusted the search to look for a less-matchable string until he got the result he was looking for. In Twatsy's world, I suspect that's what passes for clever rhetoric.

Make It So!

What. The. Fuck?

It's like they're on a different planet. Really.

So, Christie, how's that street cred of yours holding up?

Oooooooooh, not so good:



Yeah, that's gonna leave a mark.

Controversy? WHAT controversy?

Lunch break:


Hard to believe, isn't it?

OH, BARF: I think I'm going to fwow up.

Awwwwwwkward.

One suspects that Peter MacKay's life is about to get unpleasant. And sad.



Definitely sad.

And now, some co-bloggers who need no introduction ...

... who better pick up the slack for the next few days since I'm going to be somewhat occupied dispensing geeky wisdom to the masses for the entire week. I leave you in their capable hands, and I'll pop in every so often to make sure they're not breaking into the liquor cabinet.

Credit where credit is due.

Against all odds, a Blogging Tory breaks ranks and writes somberly about the anniversary of a horrific tragedy:



Not quite the heart-rending memorial you were ready for, was it?

Ezra Levant: Liar.

And I can make that accusation 'cuz it's, well, true. Here's Ezra lying (emphasis tail-waggingly added):

Long-time readers of this blog, and readers of my book, will know the case of Rev. Boissoin well. He was a youth pastor who wrote a letter to the editor of the Red Deer Advocate in 2002 that was critical of the "gay agenda". You can read that letter in full here. He was sentenced to a lifetime speech ban, barring him from ever saying anything negative about gays again, in public or private, for the rest of his life. Oh -- and he had to write a false letter of apology, renouncing his faith on the matter.

And here's your humble scribe from quite some time ago, taking Ezra out to the woodshed on that very subject.

Luckily, with the recent overturning of Boissoin's conviction, we -- along with the joyfully gleeful Ezra Levant -- are now once again free to say mean and disparaging things about other people.

Unless they're Jewish. Ezra will not abide that kind of anti-Semitic shit.

P.S. Ezra Levant is a liar. Did I mention that? Yeah, I'm sure I mentioned that.

14 dead women? Whatever.

Huh. Curious:



Movin' on, then ...

SO HOW'S THAT COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATISM WORKING OUT FOR YOU?



Quelle surprise.

Not quite grokking that whole "New Media" thing.

If you have to tell people you're hip and cool, chances are, well, you ain't.

P.S. The Government of Alberta would like to know what you think. Well, maybe. OK, why don't you just shut up and piss off?

Let's talk about Dawg one more time.

Grrrrr. Apparently, a number of commenters back here sadly misinterpreted what I meant when I wrote, "They better be paying you for this, John." A whole bunch of folks got all wound up over whether Dawg was being a "scab" by writing for free. Truth be told, that perspective never even occurred to me. What I meant was that Dawg better be getting something out of this, given the drooling, screeching, ignorant trollish dumbassitude he was going to get by way of comments.

And I was right. There's one "IainGFoulds," who apparently has never learned what ellipses are for:

... Oh good, another nihilistic satirist, merely delighted with the sound of his own voice, adding nothing of constructive value to any discussion.

... Thank you, Kelly.

There's "MikeMurphy," who is similarly incapable of addressing what was written:

A real socialist heh. A self admitted zealot. So what else is new. Hopefully you will do better next time other than this self-indulging drivel.

There's the horrifically misnamed "justcommonsense":

Welcome, legend has it that everytime a socialist is actually willing to debate or even listen an angel gets it's wings. Ironic isn't it.

There's the ubiquitous and stunningly retarded "sassylassie":

What does banning the minaret have to do with Free Speech? The Minaret is a sign of Islamic Supremacism and the abuse and subjugation of women's equality. Thus do you think it's okay for the Islamic Supremacist to place a symbol that screams, to me, burning cross and white hoods on their place of worship? Funny Neo Nazis bad but their brothers' in arms the Islamists are good.

I'll never understand the loopy upside down logic of the radical leftwingers, never.

You get the idea -- the standard right-wing discourse that rarely rises above the level of, "Harharhar, stupid leftards and their terrorist-loving lefty leftardness, LOL ROTFL!!!"

It's not clear why anyone with a decent amount of self-respect would subject themselves to that sort of crap, since you have to know it's coming. The only thing that would make it worth it is if you're getting at least a little coin for it. But if you're not even getting that, what's the point?

Why put your best literary foot forward if what you get in return is the rhetorical equivalent of "Hunter", Maria S Nunes, "bocanut" and Patrick Ross? Seriously, why write for free, in exchange for insults from the lowest of the low of the Canadian Idiotsphere?

It would be different if the editorial trogs at the NP at least rode herd on that comments section and trashed anything hopelessly stupid or off-topic. But we all know they won't, which means that whatever value Dawg contributes to the public discourse will almost immediately be swamped under a deluge of dumbassitude. So, again, what's the point? It's like commenting intelligently at Kate McMillan's -- casting pearls before incredibly stupid swine, knowing what you're going to get back will be, well, incredibly stupid and swinish.

If Dawg wants to write for free, that's his call. But why he'd want to write for free and get slagged by really, really stupid people for it is, I have to admit, a bit of a mystery for me.

But it's his call.

And as for your refutation ... ooooooh, bright shiny thing!

It's not the ruthless, rigourous, methodical disemboweling of every single talking point, it's the frantic redefinition by certain commenters of what suddenly doesn't matter anymore:

Observer01
December 05, 2009 - 12:16 PM

... The fact is, whether he had been out of the camp once, or six times, either way, that's not very much contact with the outside world.

At which point, Observer01 yelled up the basement stairs and asked his mom if there was any Dr. Pepper left, and the next time she goes to the store, it's Cheez-Its and not Cheez-Nips and what's the point of telling her if she's not going to listen?

Yeah, that's gonna hurt.

Apparently, prayer doesn't always work. Huh. Go figure.

... and that's when I wet myself.

Blogging Tory "Iceman" brings the funny:

Just as a warning to some of my BT colleagues, if you are invited onto Power and Politics to represent the voice of Conservative Bloggers, that is not necessarily a compliment. I know what message Evan wants to convey, and I don't expect he'd ever want the most agile right wing minds to represent the Blogging Tories in a televised debate.

You don't often find sane people using the phrases "agile right wing minds" and "Blogging Tories" in the same sentence. It's just not done.

And this is where we juxtapose ...

There's this. And there's this.

I think my job here is done.

And remember, ladies ... he's single!

A couple kids in Halton care enough about the planet to do something about it. And that's when things go horribly, horribly wrong in the comments section:

Bocanut

Who’s paying for your trip?

No taxpayer funding for your escapade?
Knock yourselves out then ,but, don’t ever presume you speak for the Canadian people because of a skewered [sic] poll.
Have you not heard of “Climategate”?
Hope you didn’t have tickets for Al Gore’s lecture...

Rationality and logic should tell you that tossing billions of taxpayers dollars to China, India and Al Gore won’t solve a thing.

Yes, that would be bocanut, bolstering his reputation as a total dick, knowing as we do how women these days are attracted to the creepily trollish and illiterate.

BONUS TRACK: By the way, bocanut, you better hope none of those chicks know how to use Teh Google:



Yeah, that's going to make that first date a bit awkward, isn't it, boca?

Christians doing hard time: What can possibly go wrong?

Here's an exciting new development in the Canadian penal system:

Plans underway for Canada's first faith-based prison unit: Christian group

OTTAWA — A Christian organization is in talks with the Manitoba government to create the country's first "faith-based" prison unit for inmates to explore their spiritual side, Canwest News Service has learned.

Prison Fellowship Canada says the plan involves a new provincial women's institution, including a separate prison unit that teaches Christian principles and values.

The proposed unit follows a growing trend in Christian prison programming in North America and abroad. In the United States, Prison Fellowship runs five faith-based units under the name InnerChange Freedom Initiative, and there are others in Singapore, New Zealand, and Brazil. Another Christian group has recently proposed a Christian prison in Oklahoma.

I, for one, totally support this new initiative. I think it's laudable to take these hardened criminals, and put the fear of Jesus in them, and turn them into law-abiding, productive members of society. Hey, here's one guy who turned his life around:

Clemmons said he came from "a very good Christian family" and "was raised much better than my actions speak (I'm still ashamed to this day for the shame my stupid involvement in these crimes brought to my family name.)," he wrote.

"Where once stood a young (16) year old misguided fool, who's (sic) own life he was unable to rule. Now stands a 27 year old man, who has learned through 'the school of hard knocks' to appreciate and respect the rights of others. And who has in the midst of the harsh reality of prison life developed the necessary skills to stand along (sic) and not follow a multitude of do evil, as I did as a 16 year old child."

Clemmons added that his mother had recently died without seeing him turn his life around and that he prayed Huckabee would show compassion by releasing him.

Awesome. Another lost soul saved by the love of Jesus. How'd that turn out, anyway?

Maurice Clemmons, man wanted for questioning, has troubling criminal history

The man sought for questioning in the execution of four Lakewood police officers was granted clemency in 2000 by former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee and released on bail just six days ago on a child rape charge in Washington state.

Maurice Clemmons, the 37-year-old Tacoma man being sought for questioning in the killing this morning of four Lakewood police officers, has a long criminal record punctuated by violence, erratic behavior and concerns about his mental health.

Huh. Funny how they missed that in his prison Bible study class.

Yo, Dawg! Is it worth it?

The National Birdcage Liner introduces respected blogger Dr. Dawg to its readership by first apologizing profusely, and making it clear they won't be making a habit of supporting intelligent, thoughtful writing:

In the spirit of adventure for which the National Post is well known, we have (occasionally) welcomed contributions by supporters of parties that are not on our list of favourites, i.e. Liberals. This gets the socialists all stirred up though, and rightly so, since many of them don't much like Liberals either. With that in mind, Full Comment welcomes our latest blogger, John Baglow, well known as the author of the Dr. Dawg web site. Before everyone starts sending me nasty emails, think about this: There's nothing wrong with listening to other opinions; it's when you start agreeing with them that you need to worry.

At which point the NP editors throw down the drawbridge and let in all manner of ignorant, mouth-breathing cretin to the comments section:

... Oh good, another nihilistic satirist, merely delighted with the sound of his own voice, adding nothing of constructive value to any discussion.

... Thank you, Kelly...

A real socialist heh. A self admitted zealot. So what else is new. Hopefully you will do better next time other than this self-indulging drivel...

Welcome, legend has it that everytime a socialist is actually willing to debate or even listen an angel gets it's wings. Ironic isn't it...

And thoughtful, nuanced discourse wouldn't be complete without the ubiquitous "Sassylassie":

What does banning the minaret have to do with Free Speech? The Minaret is a sign of Islamic Supremacism and the abuse and subjugation of women's equality. Thus do you think it's okay for the Islamic Supremacist to place a symbol that screams, to me, burning cross and white hoods on their place of worship? Funny Neo Nazis bad but their brothers' in arms the Islamists are good.

I'll never understand the loopy upside down logic of the radical leftwingers, never.

They better be paying you for this, John.

AFTERSNARK: Unsurprisingly, some of the less biologically-developed of the Idiotsphere have some unfinished business with the Doctor, unable as they are to actually engage him on the contents of his, you know, column:

by Alexander (Sandy)
Dec 04 2009
3:11 PM

I gave up visiting Baglow's blog long ago. He bans commenters when they become too effective -- "You're a troll; so, off with your head!". Meanwhile, a chorus of trained seals adorn the perimeter of his echo chamber barking the most exquisite nonsense and abuse at all who dare challenge the dogma. Hopefully, this distasteful man's 'deal' with the NP does not include censoring commenters here.

Yes, Sandy, that's what we in the Progress-o-sphere are notorious for -- our iron-fisted, fascistic control of our comments sections. That's it exactly.

Join us next week when the Doctor writes eloquently on another topic, and Sandy drops by to bitch and whine about the Doc's blog again. We can see the pattern starting already.

They better be paying you for this, John.

JUST TO BE CLEAR, I'm not fundamentally opposed to Dawg writing for free. I'm offended by the freedom the NP gives commenters to ignore the substance of his post and write asinine, vacuous, offensive comments. If I were Dawg, my only non-negotiable dealbreaker of a condition would have been to not allow comments. At all. After all, what's the point when the majority of them don't rise above the level of Sassylassie's deranged drooling?

Democracy? Never heard of it.

Via Mr. Sinister, we are reminded that Prime Minister Stephen Harper never really understood this whole Canadian election thingy:

Brian Topp from yesterday:

The Prime Minister’s very first line captured the whole Conservative case: “Mr. Speaker, the highest principle of Canadian democracy is that if one wants to be prime minister one gets one’s mandate from the Canadian people and not from Quebec separatists.”

That, of course, is not true. The highest principle of Canadian democracy is that Parliament gets its mandate from the Canadian people, and then selects a ministry from among its ranks to do its bidding. But truth had nothing to do with what happened next.

It's odd that, after all this time, Stephen Harper still doesn't understand how elections work in this country. I'm expecting Captain Canada Stephen Taylor to smack him down proper for his overwhelming ignorance any day now. Yessir, any day now ...

You didn't even remotely bite on that, did you?

Awwwwwwkward.

Oh, dear ... this might cause some grumbling amongst the disciples:

GST hike may be only option

The Conservative government might be forced to think the unthinkable: a rise in the GST.

An increasing number of economists believe a hike, even a temporary one, is the only way Canada is going to get out of its fiscal mess. In their view, too many factors are lined up against the federal government -- slower economic growth, increased demand for services and an eventual upward move in interest rates -- to achieve fiscal order through expenditure control alone.

Even though the Conservatives are loath to do so, a GST increase has to be among the options they examine if they are to have any success returning to budget balance, analysts say.

If this happens, it will -- unsurprisingly -- be added to Sandy Crux's list of "Harper Government Accomplishments." Under "Bold, Courageous Initiatives by Stephen Harper to Solve Canada's Economic Crisis," I'm guessing. And right after the entry touting the accomplishment to cut the GST.

One suspects that even if those two things were literally listed consecutively, Canada's Blogging Tories wouldn't draw the connection. They're kind of that dumb.

BONUS DUMBASSITUDE: You know what's coming, don't you? Yes, you do:



That was so unnecessary, wasn't it?

ZOMG!!!111!1!1!: This is, as I'm sure you can appreciate, just adorable.

Yo, Glenn!

They're just not that into you.

Dear Michaelle: Don't let the door whap you in the ass on your way out.

With rumours of GG Michaelle Jean's impending end of tenure, the only reasonable reaction one can have is, thanks for the year that didn't have to be. If it speeds up the process of leaving, I'll help you pack.

Yes, Christmas this year is going to be special.

If I was one of Maria's loved ones, I'd brace myself for a family-size bottle of shampoo, or maybe one of those packs of Dr. Scholl's Odor-Eaters. Cuz in the Nunes household, it looks like it's going to be a Shoppers Drug Mart Christmas. Gift wrapping at no extra charge.

Dear bocanut: Blow me.

This is a stupid commenter commenting stupidly. And this is the subsequent savage towel snap to the nads.

Canada's progressives: Still totally right about everything.

P.S. And remember, ladies ... he's single.

AFTERSNARK: Canada's wanks would like you to know that the fact they were spectacularly wrong with respect to this accusation is of no import:

BLACKMAC wrote:

So what. These errors were not central to the fact that Colvin did not have a high level of situational awareness.

Check back tomorrow when another of Canada's wingnut community presumes to lecture the rest of us on the subject of "awareness." After which they'll lecture us on science. Or maybe ethics. Whichever's funnier.

FEB 2010 UPPITY DATE: I have to say, bocanut, this really creepy, obsessive behaviour of yours in the comments section is probably not going to win over a lot of the babes. Consider that free advice.

And ladies? Make sure your friends know where you are for the evening. Consider that free advice as well.

Uh oh ...

This can't possibly end well.

My right to talk versus your right to shut up and listen.

Courtesy of those impish scamps at The Politic, we learn that Canada's Christians who are perpetually bitching and moaning about how everyone keeps saying uncomplimentary, denigrating and derogatory things about them are massively relieved to learn they are once again free to say uncomplimentary, denigrating and derogatory things about others.

Generic punchline regarding hypocrisy here. I'm sure you can make something up.

Dear stupid wanks: Pick a position and stick with it.

There a joke I like to tell regarding a lawyer who defends his client against a charge of murder thusly:

"Your Honour, my client cannot possibly be guilty since he wasn't even there. But if he was, he didn't do it. And if he did it, it was an accident. Besides, that son-of-a-bitch had it coming."

Most sentient people see the absurdity in that defense -- the frantic and desperate attempts to throw out a number of mutually-exclusive and self-contradictory defenses, hoping that one of them sounds convincing. Which, unsurprisingly, brings us to Canada's stupid wankers on the subject of the torture of Afghan detainees.

On the one hand, of course, it never happened. Richard Colvin is either a liar or just plain deluded. He's been thoroughly and soundly refuted, by generals and the Red Cross and, well, bunches of other people. He's a crackpot, and there is not a single shred of evidence to back up his wild and irresponsible accusations, and he can be safely ignored.

On the other hand, well, sure those folks were tortured, but we didn't do it and besides, why should we care about a bunch of terrorists and what happens to them, it's not like any of them might be innocent, and how come those lefties are so weepy over a bunch of hardened killers and savages, and you're damned right those people were tortured, and I'm glad and I don't have a problem with it because they're bad, bad people and they had it coming so what's the problem?

Here's a suggestion, wanks: Pick a position. Seriously. Figure out what side of that argument you're on. Either a) that torture never happened, or b) it happened but why should we care because those bastards deserved it. You can't have it both ways. Really, you can't. So howzabout you give this some thought, and figure out which argument you want to defend and, when you come to a decision, get back to us.

We'll be right here. Condemning the use of torture. Same as always.

The colour of the sky on Stephen Taylor's planet.

Well ... isn't this ... special?

In Canada, some of our Liberal Parliamentarians have shown surprise over the past three weeks at allegations that some Afghans treat their fellow Afghans with callous disregard and fault Canadian officials for an uneasy balancing of coddling of a country reborn out of rubble going through the birth pangs of establishing a civil society, with the brutal hell of war against combatants that wear no uniform, splash acid in the faces of schoolchildren, and cut off the ears of those that would work to bring good governance to their country.

Yes, Stephen, this whole screaming clusterfuck is because we're shocked -- shocked, I say -- by what some Afghans do to other Afghans. That's what this is all about, Stephen. A purely civil matter. That we can only observe and tut-tut from a distance. If only there were something we could have done about it. Besides the lies, whitewash and coverup, that is.

And uniforms! And acid! And ears! And all manner of bright shiny things over there! At which point, Stephen went back to his cigar and port, and ordered another servant flogged for not drawing his bath at the correct temperature.

THE COMMENTS, AH, THE GLORIOUS COMMENTS: It's physically painful to peruse the comments section on that post, and bear witness to the stunning separation from reality of Stephen's regular commenters. Like, say, this:

Colvin is the lone voice who had made unsubstianted allegations refuted by the Red Cross, three retired generals, top military brass active, Ambassador Mulroney Prison Inspectors.

How do you refute that? Seriously, how do you even begin to intellectually engage someone so hysterically uneducated and wilfully ignorant?

The mind reels.

SETTING A RECORD OF LIES PER SENTENCE: It's entertaining to see how little Stephen Taylor can write before he's forced to lie. Consider, if you will, just these words that open the paragraph quoted above:

In Canada, some of our Liberal Parliamentarians have shown surprise [over the past three weeks at allegations that some Afghans treat their fellow Afghans with callous disregard] ...

What's astonishing is that, if you discount the bracketed part which qualifies the earlier words, Taylor has managed to lie three times in the space of 10 words -- surely no mean feat.

First, he opens with "In Canada, ..." when it's painfully obvious that diplomats from other countries have joined in the chorus of outrage over this issue. This is no longer just a Canadian issue.

Taylor compounds that lie by accusing "some of our Liberal Parliamentarians" when it's a fact that members of other parties are just as furious over this.

And the final lie -- that these people are "surprised" at how Afghans are treating their fellow Afghans. In fact, that's not at all what surprises us. As is common knowledge by now, we've known about these allegations for quite some time, dating back to 2006. That is not what surprises us. What surprises (and appalls) us are the recent revelations that the Stephen Harper Party of Canada not only knew about it all this time but quietly condoned it. That's the surprising part.

Shocking, isn't it? Three mind-numbing lies in the space of 10 words. I don't think I've ever seen such efficiency.

Peter Mackay: Liar.

Go. Read. We await Captain Canada Stephen Taylor's imminent explanation of this interesting new interpretation of "democracy."

Sorry, but I can't resist this one.

I'm thinking catchy titles are the secret.

Time to increase the dosage on those meds, Justin.

You seriously need to check out the comments section here, in which Jennifer tries to engage Justin "Raging Roid Case" Hoffer intellectually, and Justin responds, "Fuck off, bitch."

Well, OK, I made that last part up. But just barely.

AFTERSNARK: Justin "Raging Roid" Hoffer makes reference to his super-duper, triple top secret, ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha "sources" with whom I'm sure he has conversations on a daily basis:



Just like that, including the victory jig at the end when the voices stop.

In which Stephen Harper gets his pants yanked down and his pee-pee slapped.

Ouch ... that's gonna leave a mark:

PM scolded for delayed China visit

BEIJING–With words at once blunt and pointed, Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao criticized Prime Minister Stephen Harper Thursday, admonishing him for not visiting China earlier during his time as Canadian leader.

Harper sat stone-faced during the rebuke – the words clearly stung...

The rebuke – rare in relations between two nations – came just a day after the Chinese media had given Harper a cool-to-cold reception, criticizing him on a wide range of issues.

In unrelated news, conservatives everywhere are still going batshit, dick-yanking crazy with rage over Barack Obama's bow, describing it as a diplomatic faux pas of hideous, unimaginable proportion.

The ugly logical consequences.

Dear terrorists and other bad people:

Our government does not give a crap if foreigners captured by our troops are tortured. As a logical extension of that policy, it's only fair that we extend to you the same courtesy. If you capture any Canadian troops, we'd appreciate it if you didn't treat them any worse than how we're allowing your folks to be treated.

Thank you for your consideration.

P.S.

Dear terrorists:

Me again. As I understand it, we're hanging our defense on the fact that we didn't do the torturing ourselves. Rather, we simply passed on that job to people with a talent and history for it, then conveniently looked the other way. For the sake of technical fairness, you might want to do the same. I'm sure you know the right people.

"Torture?" What "torture?"

We don't know anything about this "torture" stuff of which you speak:

No mention of torture, generals say; 'Ludicrous'

Thursday, November 26th, 2009 | 3:10 am

Canwest News Service

Three generals declared yesterday that there was no mention of the word "torture" in reports from a senior diplomat who asserts that he repeatedly warned the government against surrendering Afghan detainees to local authorities because they would almost certainly be abused.

Oh ... that "torture" (emphasis tail-waggingly added):

"What we've seen from this government is a whole lot of redaction, in other words blacked out documents," charged Paul Dewar, NDP foreign affairs critic. "It's like reading tea leaves."

Dewar produced his own document, obtained through an access to information request, showing that the government had blacked out a reference to torture in a 2006 report from its own Foreign Affairs bureaucrats on the state of human rights in Afghanistan.

The original, unedited, document, which was leaked to the media in 2007, concluded that "extrajudicial executions, disappearances, torture and detention without trial are all too common."

In hilariously related news, the Stephen Harper Party of Canada is going to withhold all of the documentation necessary for Richard Colvin to substantiate his claims, after which it will dismiss him as being woefully unprepared.

Oh, wait ... that's already happened.

P.S. Dawg barks.

Free speech!

Or maybe not so much. Apparently, being embarrassed by one's country is a very, very bad thing. Didn't used to be.

Clearly, blogging isn't for everyone.

Blogging Tory and relentless Christian apologist Dick Ball brings the funny:

Quote of the Day: On Michael Shermer (Skeptic)

"Shermer thinks science is a game you play where you aren’t really after the truth but just trying to explain things without God."

Hate to break it to you, Dick, but that's exactly what science is -- an ongoing search for the best possible naturalistic explanations. Not sure what you find so amusing about that.

BONUS TRACK: PZ explains what really happened.

Retardopedia!

This has endless potential for amusement: an incredibly ignorant twit telling scholars how to do their jobs.

Let the unintentional hilarity begin.

Oh. Dear.

Awkward.

Kill me now, Lord.

Seriously. Just fucking kill me.

BECAUSE I'M A BAD MAN, THAT'S WHY: I'm sure you've all noticed that none other than shrieking head case Maria "Dodo" Nunes is also on the initial list for "Best Canadian Blog." I'm seriously tempted to encourage everyone to vote for that raving whackjob, for no other reason than the eventual hilarity that would ensue if she were to win, and readers unfamiliar with her mental illness would follow the blog awards "Winners" links, thinking, "Huh, best Canadian blog, never heard of that one, let's check it out and HOLY JESUS MARY MOTHER OF GOD WHAT THE FUCKING HELL WAS THAT!?!?!?! OH, GOD, MY EYES ARE BURNING, AAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

Really, the potential entertainment value is awesome, isn't it?

Yo, Stephen! About that "democracy" thing ...

Via Devin Johnston, we find the Stephen Harper Party of Canada taking transparency, accountability and democracy and handing it over to Bill O'Reilly and a falafel:

OTTAWA — The House of Commons has voted in favour of holding a judicial inquiry into the treatment of Afghan detainees, but the majority motion will likely be ignored by the governing Conservatives.

Which leads me to ask the Manning Centre for Building (ha ha!) Democracy's Stephen Taylor how exactly the cause of Canadian democracy is furthered by a governing party that is willing to ignore the will of Parliament in order to refuse to learn what happened while smearing a long-time public servant and leaking classified documents for blatantly political purposes.

Seriously, Mr. Taylor, howzabout you put down the Brie and Chardonnay just long enough to bang out a defense for this singularly undemocratic demonstration of petulance, whitewash and coverup. I'm sure the rest of us are dying to hear what you've been learning over there at the Preston Manning Institure of Wingnut Welfare and Conservative Entitlements (Keg-Size Porterhouse edition).

You can leave a note in my comments section if you want.

The end of the innocence.

While lots of folks are giving all sorts of linky love to Charles Johnson's desperate lunge for sanity, there's nothing that's going to compare with John Cole's sad realization that he'd been a sucker all his life.

Let the savage smearing begin.

OH, LOOK: Right on schedule.

It's easier to win arguments if you make them up yourself.

Shorter Gerry Nicholls: "If you allow me to invent, out of thin air, a left-wing point of view that is utterly absurd, totally unrealistic, ridiculously improbable and that not a single human being I know would make in a million years, I think I have a point."

For your eyes only.

I know you're all waiting breathlessly for the next Maria "Dodo" Nunes deranged bout of incoherent howling (brought to you by Wal-Mart and the publishers of DSM-IV), so I thought I'd give you a sneak peek. The beta release, if you will.

Just change some of the names. You wouldn't notice the difference.

The joy of selective memory.

Captain Canada Stephen Taylor is all about the nostalgia:



Don't worry, Steve ... some of us have even longer memories than that:

On Friday, Mr. Harper went before television cameras to slam a potential Dion-led government as illegitimate because he lost the Oct. 14 election.

But the Liberals and NDP said those arguments were undercut by Mr. Harper's 2004 letter to then-governor-general Adrienne Clarkson, which requested that she turn to him if Paul Martin's newly elected government were defeated in the Commons.

"We respectfully point out that the opposition parties, who together constitute a majority in the House, have been in close consultation. We believe that, should a request for dissolution arise this should give you cause, as constitutional practice has determined, to consult the opposition leaders and consider all of your options before exercising your constitutional authority," the 2004 letter stated.

Yeah, that's kind of awkward, isn't it, Steve?

I only do it because it annoys him.

The setup:



and ... the payoff:



In complementary right-wing news, something about Patrick's Twat and Maria's "chubby hole," but I could have misread that.

And in today's News of the Weird ...

... the Official Jew's Official Jew Ezra Levant has words for today's wankers:

I had a great time last week at the Vancouver Jewish Book Festival. I've done a ton of events this past year in support of my book, Shakedown, but in a way my favourite ones were at Jewish venues. That's because I see it as my personal duty to disabuse Jews of the notion that censorship is in any way compatible with Jewish values.

I await Ezra's savage condemnation of his fellow Blogging Tories with much anticipation.

Gawd Bless The Swiss...

... those intrepid alpine hybrids have woken to a need perhaps only their mongrel status prepared them for. Certainly a little nation of money laundering chocolatiers, not quite French, not sufficiently Italian and somewhat sub-German has a unique perspective to recognize the threat of pointy buildings. To say nothing of the awful and disruptive racket that issues forth from such obnoxious architecture. So let me now call on Canada and Canadians to take up the courage of the Swiss, let us now and forever forward be free from the plague of pointy buildings and their vulgar clamour.

I ask you to join me in imploring our government to ban the erection of pointy buildings. No new steeples! No more minarets! No more fucking bells and while I've never in all my life heard a muezzin blaring the Adhan, well screw it, no more of that either. Set our skylines free, no more superstitious caterwauling and clanging, there oughta be a law.

When you've lost Macleans, that's a bad sign.

When even two of the mainstays at the gaggingly right-wing Macleans turn on you, it's pretty clear that you're down to little more than the screamingly, batshit crazy demographic in terms of support.

I await Stephen Taylor's vitriolic condemnation of Macleans with bated breath.

When even Australia is laughing at us, we're in big trouble.

This is just sad. Thanks, Steve -- it's always exciting to be the laughingstock of the rest of the world.

TRUER WORDS WERE NEVER SAID: Regarding Canada's proposed expulsion from the Commonwealth for being environmental buttheads, we have commenter "toxteth o'grady":

The sad thing is that Canadians are very supportive of curbing greenhouse gases. They just happen to have an unpopular butt-head in charge of the country.

So pithy, yet so accurate.

When Google ads attack!

Poor Maria "Dodo" Nunes -- even Google has taken to mocking her:

Um ... OK.

I thought I was making a simple observation. God knows, though, someone had to be too stupid to know what I meant. And Maria is Patrick Ross' new intellectual role model. Ruminate on that for a while.