In which PSA rambles and makes a few enemies.
First, on the debates featuring the five hideous trogs being foisted off on a poor, hapless Canada, I'd rather watch a dog eat its own vomit than sit through the spectacle of these substandard leaders trying to best one another. Spin the bottle, no matter where it lands, we all lose. From this piss puddle deep pool, who would make the best PM? Duceppe, sad but true. For the leader almost sure to form the next government I feel only contempt, distrust and a creeping patina of fear, given the damage that his ideological bedmates down south have caused. And since Harper is at best a copyist, there is reason to fear. Grave dancing asshole Gerry Ritz made the prediction so I don't have to, wait 'til the Cons have their majority, then all bets are off.
Stephen Harper is the worst thing that's going to happen to this country for the next four years. He is a true believer and what he believes in is Stephen Harper. That is also the name of what he loves best and when things go against the grain of Stephen Harper, he will act with all the petty wrath of a self centered narcissist, drunk on power. Harper is a man with many swords, just ready for others to fall upon, as nothing will ever be his fault. Canada will vote for this wretched little king because we are stupid. We have allowed these creatures to gull us into believing that they are the capable, stable and secure choice to lead us in a frightening world. They achieved this conviction through a non-stop campaign of character assassination, manipulation and juvenile bull shit. And they let us pay for the millions of ten per centers that they shipped with our own money, to help do it.
And the Liberals, they stood by like a pack of wet dogs, shivering and licking their own hinds, trembling from the cold, confusion and fear. Pity poor Stephane Dion, a decent enough guy stuffed into the wrong place at the wrong time and doomed to wear the blame for the wave of failure that is rising before him. He is a smart, decent fellow. In this climate, where we are infected by the same contagious stupidity that is endemic in America, the worst thing for a party leader is to be smart and decent. That equals weakness in the new political math. A brave and powerful political ape will scream and hurl great armloads of feces and recline on a bed of enemy skulls to drink toasts to himself. Dion is a lost man waiting to discover his fate. While Stephen Harper is a scalding douche telling the biggest lie, most often until it begins to find belief in the TV thickened skulls of the electorate. Welcome children of Karl Rove, we are your dupes, victims and patsies.
Best case scenario: Harper is held to another minority. That would mean that he and his government face some of the music that this very election was engineered to obscure, hide and silence. It would also mean that his little scam of calling an election in full pout, with crocodile tears streaming down his fat cheeks, will not work a second time. No more motorcade to cross the street asshole.
What of our lady in waiting, the yet to be anointed princess of the opposition with the porn 'stache, Jack Layton. Drag a potato over his shiny pate and throw it in the fire and that spud would sizzle with the grease. The porn industry imagination ends with slack witted parodies of the creative efforts of others. Happy Jack is trying to stroke his way to second place with his recycled patter, scoffed from Obama's hopes and dreams twaddle. Yay! Smiling empty rhetoric, why, in this blissful age of vapidity none of the rubes will even notice that it isn't substantive. Gosh thanks beaming insincere guy. Here's the deal NDP, you are so desperately hungry to ascend to the lofty heights of second place, fine. Fire Jack Layton's smarmy ass because there is no way in hell that even the newly stupid nation of Canada will ever, ever let you eke more than a hair's breadth of distance past your mortal enemies the Liberals with him up front. If the NDP is to become a viable political force in this country, it has to ditch the Liberal-lite operators and invest in some authenticity. Hell the sad sack Greens are making headway, under the umbrella of the 'stache the NDP might find itself fighting to hang onto third. My advice, depose the 'stache and put your bets on Charlie Angus. The Canadians that aren't doped to the gills on stupid are anxious for somebody to emerge that isn't caked in bullshit. Charlie Angus is the future of the NDP, you read it here first.
And since I'm busily firing leaders, what about Stephane? He's damaged goods. He should never have taken the leadership, not that there were any better choices. Bob Rae is toxic. I actually kind of like Bob, but he is almost the last guy on Earth that should take the mantle of Liberal leadership. With Bob at the helm, Layton would have a legit shot at second. Bob Rae will never get out from under the cloud of suspicion and distrust that has dogged him since he shocked everyone and won for the NDP in Ontario. His government stumbled, bumbled and fucked up to the point that the voters not only elected that evil shit Mike Harris but did it more than once. That kids, is real spite. When you've fucked up bad enough that your constituents would rather give Harris more than one mandate... well, you don't get a bigger prize for that. The actual last guy on Earth who should be Liberal leader is none other than the real ivory tower elitist himself, Michael Ignatieff. If this country won't get behind the eminently more likable Stephane Dion, what in hell makes anyone think that the public would get behind Iggy. He is the other side to Stephen Harper's coin, a self loving, manipulator who is so utterly out of touch with the realities of the population that he might as well be in a lecture hall showing slides of the natives to bored undergrads. I've spent years working around academics. Most of them are generally pretty nice folks and they know everything about their field. Full stop. Leadership is about practicalities, Ignatieff is a theorist. The shitheads that gave the world the Project for a New American Century were theorists too, look how well that worked out.
If the Liberals want to continue to exist they need to rebuild in a serious way. The odour of Adscam still clings to the Liberal brand and they have to clear the decks. A youth movement wouldn't do them any harm and they could do worse than to groom Justin Trudeau for the position. If for no better reason than that his surname resonates with Canadians and makes the heads of right wing assholes explode. He's young, he's smart and idealistic and he is clean from all past Liberal scandals and shenanigans. The Liberals need to get their crap together. I don't know who they're paying to create their campaign but whoever it is sucks. They'd have been a hundred miles further ahead if they hired the canny gals from A Creative Revolution at least they would have produced something that had some teeth. But the Liberals are going to lose and they deserve to because they have been weak, ineffectual and fucking stupid for the whole of the Harper reign. They have failed to oppose the government of the day and fulfill the mandate of the official opposition. We the people, we don't deserve more Harper, but the Liberals certainly do deserve to get the thrashing they are walking into.
But but but... the Greens you say, well fuck, give them plucky kids a couple of seats in the house. They're the most popular non-entity in the country and Liz May nettles Harper and that's got to count for something. The Bloc should just set their separatist roots aside and admit that they are stuck with Canada and work within. That means they could run candidates in every region and become another national party with some actual clout, having such a strong regional base. In terms of policy they are a lot closer to what most Canadians seem to want, which is not what is being offered by the Cons or the Libs, both of whom seem to occupy the pretend centre, being only shades of corporatist, authoritarian entitlement apart from one another. When it comes time to vote, vote against the Steve Harper Party, don't let Gerry Ritz become a prophetic voice.