Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Pick your favourite Bible passage! Win valuable prizes!


Given that (as you can see in the previous post) OC Transpo has already accepted on-bus advertising of select bits of Holy Scripture, we here at CC HQ would like to introduce the latest contest, which will almost certainly culminate in you winning absolutely nothing while just as certainly offending as many of the religiously devout as possible. It's what we here at CC HQ call a "two-fer."

In any event, since OC Transpo is clearly down with the Good Book, we invite all of you to select your favourite passage from the Bible that, if you had the opportunity, you would plaster all over every transit bus in Ottawa. Be creative. Be obnoxious. Hell, be downright offensive. But, most of all, be accurate -- no fucking with the words.

This will be a tough choice. Personally, I think I'd go with this one from Leviticus 20:10:

And the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbor's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.

Yeah, death to adulterers -- always a ratings winner. But be sure not to overlook the numerous examples of misogyny and genocide as well, not to mention the countless reasons to beat your children to death. Really, a treasure trove of horrific mayhem.

So go wild, choose carefully, and leave your selection in the comments. When it's all over, we'll select the best of the best and hold Holy Scripture up to the ridicule it so richly deserves.

47 comments:

Naked Ape said...

<< Ezekiel 23:20 >>
GOD'S WORD® Translation (©1995)
She lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose semen was like that of horses.



It seems that some ancient prophet has a few adequacy issues.

Naked Ape said...

<< Ezekiel 9:5-6>>
GOD'S WORD® Translation (©1995)
Then he said to the others as I was listening, "Follow him throughout the city and kill. Don't have any compassion, and don't feel sorry. Kill old men, young men, old women, young women, and children. But don't come near anyone who has a mark on him. Start with my holy place." So they started with the old men in front of the temple.


Ezekiel, chill dude!

Dr.Dawg said...

Matthew 10:34-36 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.

And this one's for SUZANNE:

Psalms 137:9 Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.

LuLu said...

Deuteronomy 2.3:1
No one who has been emasculated by crushing or cutting may enter the assembly of the Lord.


Do you think that includes crushing or cutting comments?

What? I'm just sayin' ...

Adam said...

"From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. 'Go on up, you baldhead!' they said. 'Go on up, you baldhead!' He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths. And he went on to Mount Carmel and from there returned to Samaria."
- II Kings 2:23-25 (NIV)


I like this passage just because it's so awesome. Teasing children get killed, and not just killed, but god sends his personal attack bears to do it.

stageleft said...

Go with 1 Corinthians 14:34 the women should keep silent in the churches. For they are not permitted to speak, but should be in submission, as the Law also says.

It might help keep Shaidle shut up :-)

LuLu said...

1 Samuel 18:25-27
And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be avenged of the king's enemies. But Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines.

And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king's son in law: and the days were not expired.

Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.


The Old Testament is just freaky -- no wonder the bible thumping whackos like it so much.

The Doc said...

Oh... You can't POSSIBLY get us to pick just ONE!

We need a campaign of multiple verses.

Although, this is my favorite (actually, my favorite is the one above regarding the horse-hung Egyptian men with porn status):
"Thou hast also taken thy fair jewels of my gold and of my silver, which I had given thee, and madest to thyself images of men, and didst commit whoredom with them”
(Ezekiel 16:17).

Noni Mausa said...

You know, guys, that I don't get into the offensive-o-rama here much, so here's a quote that ought to get them spinning, without any bad words atall:

Luke 6:30 (King James Bible)

"Give to every man that asketh of thee; and of him that taketh away thy goods ask them not again."

Bonus points that it's New Testament, supposedly the latest thing in the Word of God department.

Noni

CC said...

I'll see Noni's thoughtful nuance, and raise her with Matthew 6:5-6:

"And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are; for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men ... But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou has shut thy door, pray to they Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly."

Yeah, this could keep us busy for a while.

Dr.Dawg said...

Hosea 13:16 The people of Samaria must bear their guilt, because they have rebelled against their God. They will fall by the sword; their little ones will be dashed to the ground, their pregnant women ripped open.

LuLu said...

We're playing nice now? Make up your minds ...

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

~1 Corinthians 13:4-7~


I can play both ways, lapsed Catholic schoolgirl that I am.

ZoƩ said...

Those citations could be accompanied by these bible pictures: http://www.thebricktestament.com/

Frank Frink said...

Some of the suggested passages are a bit too long. Got to keep 'em short and snappy. The attention span of the public is short, even on transit.

My favourite resource is Evil Bible.

But of these things be not ashamed, lest you sin through human respect;…Of constant training of children, or of beating the sides of a disloyal servant; or of a seal to keep an erring wife at home. - Ecclesiasticus 42:1,5-6

wv = "obege". You shall obege God's word.

mikmik said...

Exodus 34:
13 But ye shall destroy their altars, break their images, and cut down their groves:
14 For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God:
15 Lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land, and they go a whoring after their gods, and do sacrifice unto their gods, and one call thee, and thou eat of his sacrifice;
16 And thou take of their daughters unto thy sons, and their daughters go a whoring after their gods, and make thy sons go a whoring after their gods.
17 Thou shalt make thee no molten gods.

Prolly just #14 is good

Btw, ezekiel 23 is my fave and comes up on google just searching ezekiel

The Seer said...

"Conservatives are not perfect; they're forgiven." Luke, 19:32.

wv: suffeduf

Frank Frink said...

17 Thou shalt make thee no molten gods.

Oh come on now. No good and decent home can ever have enough molten gods.

I'm so going to hell, if only I believed in it.

This Is Me Posting said...

2 Kings 2:23 & 24 have been my favourites since I stumbled onto them:

23 And [Elisha] went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.

24 And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.


So remember, the next time you tell a bald man to "go up", the wrath of God will tear up 42 children with two female bears.

JABbering Stooge said...

Dammit, CC! You beat me to my favorite Bible verse!

Oh well, this one's almost as good - Micah 6:8:

He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?

And if we're going for the nasty stuff, there's always Genesis 19:30-38. That's the one where Lot's daughters get him drunk and do him. And as an added bonus, not only does he get his own daughters pregnant, but they both have sons. Isn't that conveeeenient?

mikmik said...

Does molten mean molted or melted metal? Surely we are forgiven for using graven images as space heaters during -30 cold snaps?!

OK. How about the Qur-an. It seems to preach that grace and compassion and mostly honesty are the path to salvation. Even when Adam got dropped from Eden to earth he was given the promise that if he did good, he would still get heaven.

This is a good ad, methinks:
"S2 A.44 - Do ye enjoin right conduct
On the people, and forget
(To practice it) yourselves,
And yet ye study the scripture?
Will ye not understand?"

Haha, no wonder fundies and neo-cons hate muslims. Good message for PMS, too!!!!

Ti-Guy said...

So far, Ezekiel 23:20's got my vote. That's honest to goodness porn!

sooey said...

This one should cheer bus riders:

"It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God."

That would be Jesus talking, too.

Dr.Dawg said...

How do you display molten gods? In braziers?

Audrey II said...

Numbers 15:32-36 (New International Version)

32 While the Israelites were in the desert, a man was found gathering wood on the Sabbath day. 33 Those who found him gathering wood brought him to Moses and Aaron and the whole assembly, 34 and they kept him in custody, because it was not clear what should be done to him. 35 Then the LORD said to Moses, "The man must die. The whole assembly must stone him outside the camp." 36 So the assembly took him outside the camp and stoned him to death, as the LORD commanded Moses.

Stoned to death for collecting firewood on the sabbath. Nice call, god.

diva said...

I say we plaster the bus with pictures of men, the kind that make your body quiver....and I don't mean in a good way. Shouldn't be hard. Superimpose Genesis 1:26 "And God went on to say; 'Let us make man in our image, according to our likeness,...'"
I'm quite certain at the very least, the 'better half' of the population will see the ironic comedy in this.
Oh ok, just for you other half...maybe pictures of Bush, Hitler, Saddam.....
Hmmm, I may have just booked myself a long term stay at Le Chateau de Hades.

Christopher Swanson said...

John 3:18

He who believes in Him is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.

God loves the world so much that every single person who does not believe in his magic son (I guess news got around super fast back then) is not only instantly condemned, but due to said non-belief is the cause of all evil in the world. Must be a powerful god; way to stop evil jackass.

Jennifer Smith said...

All in all, it isn't so much the Bible that's the problem - it's the mouth-breathing morons who insist on taking the Bible literally. For them and for you, I highly recommend Bishop John Spong's book, "Rescuing the Bible From Fundamentalism" as a rational-yet-inspiring antidote.

In general, all of my favourite Jesus stories are the ones where he patiently explains that just because someone doesn't follow Scripture doesn't mean they're bad - and just because you DO doesn't mean you're good. Like the one about the Good Samaritan, or the Roman Centurion who asked Jesus to heal his beloved servant.

I always wondered about the relationship between that Centurion and his 'servant', but I figured I just had a dirty mind. Until I read this. Which is really kind of awesome.

Mike said...

Pity we wouldn't have the good one's either...like Matthew 25:34-40 for instance:

"I was hungry and you gave me to eat; I was thirsty and you gave me to drink; I was a stranger and you took me in; I was naked and you covered me; sick and you visited me […] As long as you did it for one of these, the least of my brethren, you did it for me"

Or the one in Acts 4:32-35 that appears to show Jesus to be a communist:

"Now the multitude of the believers were of one heart and one soul, and not one of them said that anything he possessed was his own, but they had all things in common. [….] Nor was there anyone among them in want. For those who owned lands or houses would sell them and bring the price of what they sold and lay it at the feet of the apostles, and distribution was made to each, according to their need"

Funny for all the quoting the wingnuts never seen to remember these eh?

sooey said...

I posted a "good" one:

"It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God."

The New Testament is full of anti-Conservative comments. That's why they ignore it.

Scotian said...

sooey:

Yes, good point there, it says a lot about conservative self described good Christians that they tend to ignore what the NT says (which is the part Christ brought after all) in favour of the nasty brutish and highly punitive God of the OT. It never ceases to amaze me just how selective supposedly good Christians can be when they do this over and over again. Indeed, one of the thoughts that has warmed my heart for years is if Christ really was the Son of God and his message about the afterlife was true how many self righteous Christians (especially of the NA variant) are going to get a very unpleasant shock in the next life when they find themselves in Hell for all the hatred and evil they have promulgated in the name of Christ and God. Not to mention when they also find out that many of the so called anti-Christians they have railed about enter Heaven because they actually practiced Christ's message of love, tolerance and acceptance of human frailties and helping those less fortunate than themselves even if they did not do so in the name of Christ. After all, Christ will know His own and what was in their hearts and be more concerned with the substance than the form, at least that is how I always took His message back when I was still a devout Christian.

mikmik said...

36 So the assembly took him outside the camp and stoned him to death, as the LORD commanded Moses.

So, Audrey II, what exactly happens to the bus driver when people are riding the bus on a Sunday?

Molten gods are best kept in an iron skillet on the bras.. brazier. Wonder what communion is like?

Ti-Guy said...

"It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God."

I recently read about a thesis that suggests that "camel" here is the result of a mistranslation, and that the original statement was "it is easier for a rope to pass through the eye of a needle..."

Would make more sense, wouldn't it?

JABbering Stooge said...

Stoned to death for collecting firewood on the sabbath.

Wait, wouldn't that involve gathering stones on the Sabbath? Oh, irony of ironies!

mikmik said...

Stoning people to death is more like a hobby, much like murder, mayhem, and looting (these are a few of my favourite things). Best undertaken on a Sunday when the cops aren't working. And if they are you can kill them. Hey, is that a viable defence for charges of murder? "They were working on a Sunday, your honour! Huh? It's my religion! Discrimination, discrimination! If atheists are allowed to not stone people then I demand my equal rights to practice MY relgion..."

liberal supporter said...

I recently read about a thesis that suggests that "camel" here is the result of a mistranslation, and that the original statement was "it is easier for a rope to pass through the eye of a needle..."
The one I read was that there was a narrow mountain pass in the region called "needle's eye", so a camel could physically pass but with difficulty. If it was unloaded, then its packs would not get stuck on the sides of the pass. Similarly, should the rich man unload his sacks of bits of metal, he could pass into the kingdom of God.

Luna said...

ti-guy: It's that damned Greek language. Kamilos vs Kamelos. Rope vs. Camel.

Either way, I think it could be a nice pun.

There's also camel rope, which is a braided rope made of camel hair.

mikmik said...

1 Corinthians 6:12 - All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.

I'll take 'Who said that' for 1000, Alex.
Who is Steven Harper?

Noni Mausa said...

Nah, keep it "camel", Camelus dromedarius, a much funnier image. This boring practice of finding more likely meanings for Bible passages, and Jesus' more outre or even sarcastic statements is to remove yet another layer of interest from the book, without replacing it with any more useful content.

Remember when J said "And you will hear of wars and rumors of wars... but the end is not yet. For nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. And there will be famines, pestilences, and earthquakes..." ?

I have always thought this was a sardonic statement, since all those disasters are commonplace. Sort of like saying, "You will know of the approach of the second coming because there will be sunrises, leaves will be unfolding and yea in the soil there will be nematodes."

Noni

Frank Frink said...

I'll take Genesis 1:1-5 from the lolcat bible project.

1 Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.

2 Da Urfs no had shapez An haded dark face, An Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz.

3 At start, no has lyte. An Ceiling Cat sayz, i can haz lite? An lite wuz.

4 An Ceiling Cat sawed teh lite, to seez stuffs, An splitted teh lite from dark but taht wuz ok cuz kittehs can see in teh dark An not tripz over nethin.

5 An Ceiling Cat sayed light Day An dark no Day. It were FURST!!!1


Re: Ezekiel 23:20
She liekd teh guys with teh big dixxxes... teh RLY big uns, like donkeys LOL... and massiv cumbuckits like horse!

Naked Ape said...

Not a bible quote, but amusing nonetheless.

Christanity: The belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you commit ritualized cannibalism by symbolically eating his flesh and drinking his blood while telepathically telling him that you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your imaginary soul that is present in all humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat fruit from a magical tree.
...
yea, makes perfect sense

Dr.Dawg said...

There's also camel rope, which is a braided rope made of camel hair.

3 out of 4 doctors smoke Camels.

Naked Ape said...

3 out of 4 doctors who tried Camels went back to their wives.

Frank Frink said...

3 out of 4 doctors who tried Camels went back to their wives.

[rimshot]

wv = "chestere", what we will all be pulling out as due penance.

KEvron said...

"that they tend to ignore what the NT says (which is the part Christ brought after all) in favour of the nasty brutish and highly punitive God of the OT"

"this cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you." - luke 22:20

KEvron

Audrey II said...

"So, Audrey II, what exactly happens to the bus driver when people are riding the bus on a Sunday?"

I guess that depends on which sky daddy is talking and who he/she/they are talking to/through (Gentle Jesus, Mad Moses, etc...)

It's stuff like that verse that always makes me laugh when people insist that "without divine command (biblical ethics), there would be no morality". I don't know a single atheist that doesn't understand that stoning someone just because they haven't been sufficiently obedient to some angry and jealous man in the sky is wrong. In fact, only religion and nihilism hold that anything goes as long as some voice inside your head demands it. Morality, indeed!

liberal supporter said...

Bike gangs (1 percenters) are the modern day remnants of the oldest form of government.

Churches are the modern day remnants of the second oldest form of government.

Both are still around, both are ready and willing to take over should we volunteer to let them.

seetumail said...

hi there is a quote

“Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.”

for more info visit the link below
Eliza
The Bible