At the meeting of the Southern District of the Anti-Terrorism Advisory Council (ATAC) that was held yesterday in Houston, US Attorney Michael Shelby informed the group that a terrorist attack of 09/11/01 proportions was going to be carried out on US soil within the next 6 weeks.
Mr. Shelby stated that on 09/13/04, US Attorney General John Ashcroft had a conference call with all 93 US Attorneys, an event which is extremely rare. The US Attorneys were informed that without a doubt an attack was going to be perpetrated in the US within the next 6 weeks, prior to the elections.
When questioned about this earlier guarantee of a terrorist attack that never materialized, White House spokesweasel Scott McClellan replied, "Well, it's only because of the steadfast and unswerving devotion of this president to the safety and security of the American people that we were able to thwart the ... uh, the ... the bad guys, the evildoers, those guys who were going to do things to us that were ... uh, bad and evil."
McClellan then went on to praise the manly studliness and he-man virility of President Bush, but was interrupted when three members of the White House press corps committed suicide by stabbing themselves to death with their pens, screaming that they just couldn't take it any more.
In other news, gay conservative blogger Andrew Sullivan expressed some disappointment with Bush's anti-gay pandering to his right-wing base, but admitted that he still thought Bush had a great "package" and was still waiting for an invitation to Bush's "man-date".