Ambassador Wilkins, softwood and a good swift one to the nads.

My dear Ambassador Wilkins:

Can I call you "Dave"? Great. Now, Dave, we seem to have a bit of a problem in that you're apparently not thrilled with my standing here, repeatedly hoofing you in the nuts and you really, really want to me to stop.

That's fair, I can certainly understand that. I sure wouldn't be thrilled if someone was doing that to me, it being pretty freakin' painful and all, but let's not rush to judgment, shall we?

While I continue laying into your old family jewels there, I'm sure we can both appreciate the delicacy of these negotiations, right? Being a politician, I'm sure you understand how tricky this can get and how we have to consider every possibility in bringing this issue to a mutually satisfying close.

I did like that earlier idea of yours to ask some passers-by what they thought and I guess I'm not surprised that they were pretty shocked at what I was doing. All three of them were pretty adamant that I should knock it off but, hey, they were just independent, unbiased observers, what the hell would they know? Sure, we could ask yet another person, but I get the feeling I'm not going to like their opinion either, so what's the point?

The important thing to remember, Dave, as I keep wailing on you, is that we need to roll up our sleeves, get into that meeting room and, in good faith, discuss this some more, with me beating on you the whole time, right? Now's not the time for "emotional tirades," like that earlier one of yours when you screamed, "Jesus Christ, please stop kicking me in the nuts, for God's sake!!!" That's the sort of excitability that can kill the negotiating process.

One possibility is that we could, of course, compromise. Perhaps we could agree that I could just hoof you in the nuts half as often, or maybe only on alternate days. What do you think? In any event, we'll just have to keep at it, both of us. Let me know what you think, I'm always open to suggestions.

Thwack.