In an election campaign notable for its surprises, Sarah Palin, the Republican vice- presidential candidate, may be about to spring a new one — the wedding of her pregnant teenage daughter to her ice-hockey-playing fiancé before the November 4 election.
Inside John McCain’s campaign the expectation is growing that there will be a popularity boosting pre-election wedding in Alaska between Bristol Palin, 17, and Levi Johnston, 18, her schoolmate and father of her baby. “It would be fantastic,” said a McCain insider. “You would have every TV camera there. The entire country would be watching. It would shut down the race for a week.”
Gosh, first a suspension of the campaign, now shutting it down for a week to encourage a media frenzy over a candidate's slutty daughter and her shit for brains prospective baby daddy. You'd almost think they wanted to distract voters from something. Perhaps the sucking hole that indicates a ticket comprised of a feeble, old gas-bag with anger issues, likely resulting from untreated PTSD and his running mate the insane religious lunatic from the northern woods. Oh, shiny thing! Anyway, on to more important issues of state. Perhaps SUZIE-Q would render some assistance here, if Bristol's baby is a person, whole and entire, from the moment of conception and was conceived out of wedlock, does that make it an irredeemable bastard? Or do the rules change as long as l'il Ms Rinkrat has a ring on her finger before baby Snorkel arrives? After all, evil, old white man gawd has already cursed the poor little bugger with that family and original sin. Might as well go for the triple.
And if the McCain camp views this joining of the inbreds as a campaign saving moment, doesn't that put the poor widdle kiddies on the table as political whack-a-moles? Can't very well declare them off limits and whore them out at the same time. America wants details! Where did the fabulous conception take place? What about the foreplay, was it the traditional two Bud Lites and a hummer or straight to bizniz? Was it intentional, did Levi throw her the bone intending to knock her up, did Bristol take a pin to the rubber to get a baby and escape her sinister fundie mom or were they just too stupid to work a condom? Seems to me that Sarah Palin's failed parenting is back on the table as a political topic, given the stunt nuptials of momma Palin's little child bride.
Of course the other question that should be foremost in people's minds is, where will the burnings take place? You know, the witches and all. Wholly fuckin' Jeeziz people, Governor Palin must have pretty strong feelings about the witchcraft. She stood in front of her peers and fellow worshippers and allowed an important Pastor, straight from deepest, darkest Africa to pray over her personally. Me, I'm hoping they rename Washington as New Salem and they can erect enormous pyres on the national mall to burn the unclean. Can't very well purify the nation and allow filthy witches and non-believers to roam free. I call on the news people of the world to ask the burning questions and reassure the population in these troubled times. What will Sarah do about the witches?