Sunday, September 28, 2008

Support the Ducking Stools Manufacturers of America

Further to CC's post referencing the October surprise.

In an election campaign notable for its surprises, Sarah Palin, the Republican vice- presidential candidate, may be about to spring a new one — the wedding of her pregnant teenage daughter to her ice-hockey-playing fiancĂ© before the November 4 election.
Inside John McCain’s campaign the expectation is growing that there will be a popularity boosting pre-election wedding in Alaska between Bristol Palin, 17, and Levi Johnston, 18, her schoolmate and father of her baby. “It would be fantastic,” said a McCain insider. “You would have every TV camera there. The entire country would be watching. It would shut down the race for a week.”

Gosh, first a suspension of the campaign, now shutting it down for a week to encourage a media frenzy over a candidate's slutty daughter and her shit for brains prospective baby daddy. You'd almost think they wanted to distract voters from something. Perhaps the sucking hole that indicates a ticket comprised of a feeble, old gas-bag with anger issues, likely resulting from untreated PTSD and his running mate the insane religious lunatic from the northern woods. Oh, shiny thing! Anyway, on to more important issues of state. Perhaps SUZIE-Q would render some assistance here, if Bristol's baby is a person, whole and entire, from the moment of conception
and was conceived out of wedlock, does that make it an irredeemable bastard? Or do the rules change as long as l'il Ms Rinkrat has a ring on her finger before baby Snorkel arrives? After all, evil, old white man gawd has already cursed the poor little bugger with that family and original sin. Might as well go for the triple.

And if the McCain camp views this joining of the inbreds as a campaign saving moment, doesn't that put the poor widdle kiddies on the table as political whack-a-moles? Can't very well declare them off limits and whore them out at the same time. America wants details! Where did the fabulous conception take place? What about the foreplay, was it the traditional two Bud Lites and a hummer or straight to bizniz? Was it intentional, did Levi throw her the bone intending to knock her up, did Bristol take a pin to the rubber to get a baby and escape her sinister fundie mom or were they just too stupid to work a condom? Seems to me that Sarah Palin's failed parenting is back on the table as a political topic, given the stunt nuptials of momma Palin's little child bride.

Of course the other question that should be foremost in people's minds is, where will the burnings take place? You know, the witches and all. Wholly fuckin' Jeeziz people, Governor Palin must have pretty strong feelings about the witchcraft. She stood in front of her peers and fellow worshippers and allowed an important Pastor, straight from
deepest, darkest Africa to pray over her personally. Me, I'm hoping they rename Washington as New Salem and they can erect enormous pyres on the national mall to burn the unclean. Can't very well purify the nation and allow filthy witches and non-believers to roam free. I call on the news people of the world to ask the burning questions and reassure the population in these troubled times. What will Sarah do about the witches?


CC said...

Bristol's "fiance"? I'm sorry ... when the hell did that happen, anyway? Until recently, all we've heard about was the fact that he was the "boyfriend," the "father" ... and suddenly, he's the "fiance?"

Perhaps Mommie Dearest can clarify just when that happened, 'cuz it certainly sounds like the world's shortest engagement, based on what I can see.

This does not strike me as particularly careful planning.

LuLu said...

What will Sarah do about the witches?

Excellent quesion, PSA. Screw the economy, Iran, Iraq and health care -- I'm sure that this, this is truly the most important electoral issue.

Any minute now, Bill Kristol will write a NYT Op-Ed about Obama's glaring lack of a "witch-burning" platform and how this makes him completely unfit to be Preznit.

Lindsay Stewart said...

actually cc, i think they made some noise about how proud they were of their little tramp at the convention, declaring levi the fiance. they tidied up the little redneck and made sure the cameras got pictures of the tattooed engagement ring, bristol's name inked around the very finger he... well, no need to give away all their little secrets.

sooey said...

Hm. American should demand a paternity test first.

Sheena said...

Obama could one up them even further and take a second wife during the campaign!!! He's allowed 4, right?

The Seer said...

I love it!

Denizens of the fields and forests of Upper Canada chortling about bastards in politics.

Like, what was your man William before the Reign of Queen Victoria?

sooey said...

We don't call inbred bastards bastards. They're royalty.