Time to play hardball, I think.

Many years ago (and I'm doing this purely from memory so I'll probably muff the details), there was an spisode of "L. A. Law" which featured a young Blair Underwood representing one of his first clients in the courtroom.

The case had something to do with a dispute over assets and, during the proceedings, one of the principals suddenly began having an obvious heart attack. While everyone else in the courtroom quickly rushed to call 911, start CPR and the like, Underwood's character had the presence of mind to immediately ask the judge to (and I'm not sure how best to describe this) have the court seize the assets, in case the man actually died.

There was, of course, an instant uproar as everyone else howled about how Underwood's character could be so heartless, so cruel, so unfeeling, but Underwood stood his ground, repeated his request and the judge, although clearly disgusted, granted it.

Later, in the meeting room of his law firm, Underwood's colleagues were giving him a hard time about how he could have been so callous and, after they were done with him, the firm's leader, quietly, pointed out that Underwood was doing nothing less than looking out for his client. While everyone else was panicking, Underwood understood that, as heartless as it seemed at the time, he had only a tiny window of opportunity to avert a potential disaster for his client and he took it and public opinion be damned.

It's in that spirit that I draw your attention to a noble but utterly misguided letter in today's Grope and Flail, in which letter writer Richard K. Ball of Charlottetown writes (remainder of letter requires subscription):

Canada should offer immediate unconditional aid to the United States. Convoys of softwood lumber and Canadian beef rolling southward to the devastated areas would send a very strong message...

To which I can, with a completely clear conscience, respond: No. Fucking. Way. No wood. No beef. No way. Not until, that is, these issues are resolved.

I'm not suggesting Canada make Katrina's victims suffer even more than they have already since, God knows, they've suffered enough. But these issues -- beef and softwood lumber -- could both be settled in a matter of minutes with a stroke of a presidential pen.

Both of these issues have been going on for freakin' years, so it's not like there's any more negotiating that needs to be done. In both cases, the Americans know full well that they're wrong and it's not like they need any more time for that to sink in. Maybe this could have been resolved before now if Commander Chimpy didn't take sixty-seven weeks of goddamned vacation each year to clear brush and ride his fucking bike.

In any case, you folks down south need emergency shipments of beef or lumber? No problem, just sign here. And here. And, oh, here, too. There we go, we're all set and those trucks will be rolling by tomorrow morning.

There's no other way to do this because, as we all know, the Bush administration absolutely lives by a code of taking advantage of everyone, then reaming them up the ass afterwards. (See "Tony Blair.")

So it's heartless? I really don't give a shit. If the Americans need this stuff so badly, then we have a window of opportunity and it would take five minutes to settle all of it. And if this is a possibility and we don't take advantage of it, then, quite simply, we're idiots.

P.S. And for those Canadian right-wing wanks who will inevitably get all pissed over my lack of compassion yet again, one can fairly ask, where exactly do your loyalties lie? Just curious. And why do you hate Canada?

AAARRRGGGHHHH! It's a tough call, that choice between the Conservatives who are just plain evil, and the Liberals who are just plain incompetent:

Martin had been due to call Bush on Monday to discuss the bitter dispute over softwood lumber.

But after the hurricane struck, Canadian officials agreed with the White House that it would be inappropriate to discuss softwood lumber at this time.

Jesus Christ, Paul. If Condi has time to go shopping for goddamned shoes, then they have time to talk about softwood. Bloody hell.