Pet humour.

Dear pets:

Apparently, it's past time to lay down some ground rules regarding our co-existence so, without further ado, here's how it's going to work from now on.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming yours.

I'm sorry, but I cannot buy anything larger than a king-sized bed. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Both dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. Trust me -- I've seen it happen.

Strictly speaking, it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize the usage of space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door closed, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is to kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. How hard can it be to remember this?

Finally, for your sake, I have posted the following list of rules on our front door.

"Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets."

• They live here. You don't.
• If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
• I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
• To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. (Sort of like an animal kingdom version of Jonah Goldberg.)

Remember:

Dogs and cats are better than children because they: eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college and, if they get pregnant, you can give away their children.