... and, lo, he brought it the fuck on.

I'm sure Patrick thought it was a wicked cool idea at the time:

Dear Canadian Cynic...

Bring it the fuck on

Apparently, you've taken exception to my recent noted suspicion that I may have tracked you down to your place of residence.

But you need not worry. I won't publish a street address (along with a name) until I've confirmed that it's you. The anonymity you enjoy via the internet aside, there are many ways to do such things. I'll move forward on them at a time of my choosing.

You can rest assured that, when I ascertain your true identity (and I will), I will publish it here on the Nexus. Then I'll mail copies of your comments to your friends and family.

See, apparently, you'd like everyone to believe you're shitting your pants at the very idea that someone may come to your home and give you the beating that, frankly, you deserve. Trust me when I tell you that's the least of your concerns...

Beatings are fickle. Bruises and broken bones heal. Let's face it, Cynic, it isn't a beating you're afraid of. It's having to face your loved ones, with them knowing everything you've spouted from that trash heap you facetiously refer to as your blog, that you should really be afraid of. It's the toll this could all take upon your personal life that you need fear.

Sadly, for Patrick (all emphasis tail-waggingly added):

Canada's Criminal Law: Stalking

Stalking is a crime which Canadian criminal law calls criminal harassment. It is clearly defined at section 264 of Canada's Criminal Code. The Code states that no person shall, without lawful authority and knowing that another person is harassed (or recklessly as to whether the other person is harassed):

• repeatedly follow the other person, or anyone known to them, from place to place;


• repeatedly communicate with, either directly or indirectly, the other person or anyone known to them;


• "beset" or watch a place where the other person is visiting, lives or works; or


• engage in threatening conduct directed at the other person or any member of their family.

The punishment for stalking can be as high as a five year jail term.

This new section of the Criminal Code, passed in 1993, makes it much easier for the police to charge a stalker.

But what if it just involves computers? No problem:

"Variations of cyber-stalking include the following:

• ... using spy-ware to track Web site visits or record keystrokes the victim makes; and


• sending harassing messages to the victim’s employers, co-workers, students, teachers, customers, friends, families or churches or sending harassing messages forged in the victim’s name to others."

So here's the deal, Patrick, you mouthy little fuck. I'm tired of playing games so here's what I'm gonna do.

I want you, by 8:30 a.m. [Eastern time, to be specific], Tuesday Wednesday, September 5, 2007, to not only have cleansed your compost heap of a blog of every reference to trying to "out" me, but I want a top-level retraction and apology that you will never, ever try something this sleazy again, not only against me but anyone else. No excuses. No weaseling.

And if I don't see all of the above by precisely that date and time, I will, a half hour later at 9 a.m., be down at the local detachment of the RCMP swearing out an official complaint against you, based on Section 264 of the Criminal Code of Canada, complete with all the appropriate screenshots and additional relevant documentation.

There you go, Patrick. You wanted me to "bring it the fuck on?" How's that for bringing it the fuck on? You have so yanked the chain on the wrong doghouse, you ignorant, little pissant. And now you're going to find out what it means to mess with the grown-ups.

Have a good weekend.

P.S. I will not be allowing Patrick to leave comments on this post or any other post on this blog, simply because I have no interest in a dialogue with him. Talk time is over. RCMP time has started.

UPDATE: Since a couple commenters have pointed out that this is a long weekend, I'm going to be charitable and extend my Patrick Ross "Axis of Douchebaggery" deadline exactly 24 hours. 'Cuz that's just the kind of compassionate and accommodating guy I am.

And kittens. I like kittens, too.

UPPER DATE: And every so often, someone comes along to prove that, yes, there really is a shallow end to the gene pool. I'm sure that physique was the height of fashion, say, half a million years ago.