Dear Stephen Taylor: Regarding Preston Manning's nutsack ...

My dear Stephen Taylor:

Can I call you "Steve?" Good. Now, Steve, what we have here is what I like to call a "situation." Or what you might call a potentially monstrous and embarrassing clusterfuck. So try to pay attention.

I realize you're a bit busy these days, what with the planning for your upcoming Wankerpalooza and all, but we here in the Progress-o-sphere have a bit of a problem you might be able to help with.

It involves a Canadian citizen by the name of Abousfian Abdelrazik who ... oh, hell, I'll let Dr. Dawg explain it since he's been all over this story for quite some time. Take your time, Steve, read it carefully, soak in the details. In short, what we have here is a Canadian citizen who's been languishing in Sudan and is simply trying to come home. That's all, nothing more -- he's an innocent Canadian citizen who was railroaded by CSIS and is, at the moment, trying to do nothing more than return to his family here in Canada. And that's where you come in, Steve.

You see, Steve, your own prime minister Stephen Harper has been yapping on constantly about how he stands up for Canada. Curiously, though, he seems to be utterly, utterly uninterested in the plight of Mr. Abdelrazik, for whom he hasn't bothered to even get out of his chair. I find that odd, don't you, Steve? So I think we can all rest assured that Fat Stephen has no intention of standing up for Mr. Abdelrazik. And, Steve, that's where you come in.

As you've harped on a number of times, you now hold the prestigious post of "Fellow" of the Manning Centre for Building Democracy. I'm sure that's very impressive, and I'm sure that comes with a super-neat decoder ring and handshake and everything, but I digress. This is serious.

You see, Steve, when I think of "democracy" and "standing up for Canada," I think of, well, standing up for our citizens, be they here or stuck in a Canadian embassy overseas simply because our porcine, waste-of-skin prime minister is too goddamned fucking lazy to get off his doughy ass and make a simple phone call that would probably clear this up once and for all. But you, Steve, well, you're obviously a man of influence, so I'm curious as to why you're not blogging about this.

After all, Steve, as you like to brag to that hot chick at the bar (who, sadly, turned out to be a lesbian and it's weird how that always seems to happen to you), you're all about, you know, the "democracy" and all. And if we were to check out the street cred of the Manning Centre itself, why, right there on the "About" page, we learn that that august organization is, like, totally about "Individual freedom" and "Strong families." And if there's a Canadian citizen who seriously needs some individual freedom right about now to get back to his family, it's Mr. Abdelrazik. Which makes me wonder, Steve ... where exactly have you been on this issue for the last little while? And why haven't you blogged about it just a little bit?

I do realize, Steve, that you might need to ask for permission first. That's cool -- we all understand that you're pretty much bought and paid for. But I'm not sure I'd check in with your Blogging Tory buds on this one since -- let's be frank -- your Blogging Tories are the most loathsome group of rancid bigots on the landscape at the moment. As you can see, Mr. Abdelrazik is of a dusky complexion so I'm fairly sure neither Kate McMillan nor the shriekingly racist "Raphael Alexander" would give a fuck about him. And "Neo Conservative?" I'm guessing he'd just like to put a bullet in Mr. Abdelrazik's head, then snicker about it on his blog afterwards. So, no, I don't think I'd consult with your BT homies on this one. I think we both know that wouldn't turn out well.

But given how you keep yapping on about freedom and democracy and yadda yadda yadda, I don't see why you couldn't just show some of that compassionate conservatism I keep hearing about and take a stand on this. In short, Steve, what I'm suggesting is that, despite how busy you are at the moment playing youthful ward Dick Grayson to Preston Manning's Bruce Wayne, I'd like you to, very gently, put down Preston's nutsack, and hie thee to a computer and take a few minutes to bash out a post asking your prime minister, Jabba the Steve, to do something to get Mr. Abdelrazik home. And here's where I think it gets interesting.

Because I think this is a seminal moment for you, Steve. Given the constant gum-flapping about standing up for freedom and democracy and ponies and rainbows by your party, and your prime minister, and your precious Manning Centre, this is where we get to see if you actually walk the walk, or whether -- like all the rest of the hot air and bluster that emanates from you -- it's all pure bullshit.

There's a Canadian citizen in trouble, Steve. He's been fucked over and left to rot overseas. And he wants to come home. And for all your high-falutin' moralizing, neither you nor your party nor your Manning Centre have done squat about it. And now we all get to see just how much you value actual freedom and democracy.

So, Steve, what's it to be? Actual standing up for Canadians? Or are you just as full of shit as we all think you are? Tough decision time, Steve. I believe your rep is on the line here. Feel free to choose carefully, since this is not something you'll be able to live down in a hurry.

Yours cynically,
CC

P.S. Say "Hi" to Preston's nutsack for me. I'm sure the two of you will be very happy together.