Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Whoring the Olympics
In an effort to exploit the stuffed toy market, Vancouver's Olympic committee unveiled not one, not two, but three official mascots for the 2010 corporate games. For the next two years, these cloying creatures will represent the relentless goal of separating parents from their money. We can be certain that many thousands of dollars were pissed away in the creation of these ridiculous anime influenced turds. Focus groups were focused, power lunches were pigged down and this is what they arrived at,
• Miga -- a snowboarding sea-bear inspired by the First Nations' legends of the Pacific Northwest. Miga, described as mischievous and outgoing, is part sea-bear and part orca whale.
• Quatchi -- a shy and gentle Sasquatch with a long brown beard and blue earmuffs meant to conjure the mystery and wonder associated with Canada's wilderness.
• Sumi -- an animal guardian spirit, who flies with the wings of the thunderbird, is described as "a natural born leader with a passion for protecting the environment."
• Mukmuk -- a Vancouver Island marmot sidekick considered an honorary member of the mascot team."
Yup, they even have an honorary member of the mascot team. Just in case, I don't know, one of these fuckers gets busted in a plush-porn ring going down on a stuffed Mickey. And thanks be to Jeeziz that one of these little puke inciting, saccharine shills has a "passion for protecting the environment" because their corporate masters sure as fuck don't. But hey, it's all about the kids, right?
"VANOC head John Furlong told CTV News British Columbia that he watched the ceremony with a little girl who was in awe of the production.
"She just all of a sudden had this beaming smile across her face and it just made my day sitting there watching all that happen , watching how connected she felt with these characters," he said."
Aw. Isn't that special! You can just hear the sound of the cash register, chiming a happy song in the brisk, winter air. That beaming smile on the little girl giving ol' Mr. Furlong some persistent money wood. Get ready to be besieged by an endless assault by these three fuzzy fucks. They'll be all over your teevee, they'll be selling you official super-sized fries and pops and snacks and candies and anything else they can think of to rip another penny out of your pocket. Charming.
"They will also serve to "bring humour and light-hearted fun to the Games experience and help provide a warm welcome to athletes and visitors from around the world," the Vancouver Olympic Games website said ahead of the announcement."
Gosh, humour and a warm welcome, those will be important. Especially for those international visitors, just you folks forget all about the nice men with their TASERtm brand not-always-lethal greeting guns. Might want to bone up on a little English, you fucking foreigners. Handy phrases like, "Help. I'm lost. Don't kill me please." In fact, I think the whores at VANOC missed the boat with their mascots. To really capture the spirit of the games, let me suggest some alternate mascots. There's Pokery the adorable blood doping syringe, Zappy the cuddly mountie with his sparking TASERtm toy for tots and Shilli the lawyer, helping the world by suing anyone trying to participate in the Olympic bonanza without paying protection money to the racket. That Shilli! Raping the spirit of the Olympic ideal for money, what a scamp. Oh and let's not forget our precious alternate mascot, Homey the disappeared homeless and impoverished poppet. Wouldn't want those dirty poor folk spoiling the scenery, it's bad for the money.
"Mascots can bring in millions of dollars in merchandising, leave a legacy of civic pride and provide a visual identity for the Games. VANOC hopes the mascots will bring in $600 million in sales."
Well it is all about civic pride, ain't it? More than half a billion civic prides, filling the proud wallets of a few fat assed bastards. Well here's what will make me proud, boycotting anything and everything to do with these games. You retailers want to buy in and stick the rings on your product, I'll shop with your competition. Slap one of these mascots on your drink cup, I'll eat elsewhere.
And just for fun, as the games approach, I'll be making extensive use of all of the brand protected terms that the VANOC pigs have stolen from the language. Look for my line of "See You in Vancouver" lube, then there's the "See You in Whistler" baked beans and who could forget my famous "Let the Dreams Begin" brand of opiate suppositories. Ah, Vancouver Olympic Committee, stick the games up your ass and dream.