Monday, January 01, 2007
Step right up, I got yer fifty bucks right here.
Apparently, 25 per cent of Americans are mentally retarded. No, wait ... that was unnecessarily cruel. More specifically, 25 per cent of Americans are apparently convinced that their Lord and Saviour (note correct Canadian spelling) will return sometime in 2007. And while it would be easy to just poke fun at these dingbats, I have a better idea. So here's what I'm gonna do.
If you seriously anticipate the second coming sometime in 2007, I want to make you a deal. I want you to sign over to me -- lock, stock and proverbial barrel -- absolutely all of your earthly possessions, effective Dec. 31, 2007. All of it -- house, car, bank accounts, the lot. After all, once Jesus hits town, it's not like you're going to need any of it, right?
In exchange, I'll give you fifty dollars. Cash. Right now.
What's not to like? All those material goodies won't do you any good come the end of the year, while you'll have fifty bucks to blow any way you want between now and then. I'll have a lawyer draw up the papers and, trust me, I'll make sure there aren't any loopholes.
So let's go. I'm not even remotely interested in your pious whining. If you're serious, put your money where your mouth is. The lines are open, operators are standing by. Who's going to be the first taker?
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12 comments:
Only one small problem, Jesus doesn't want any of those pious windbags who care only about the unborn and the clinically braindead and send young people to an early death or maiming in their presnit's war. Unfortunately, their shit out of luck on that one.
Is that $50 Canadian or American?
I think it's Canadian Tire money.
Happy New Year, Cynic--particularly because it may be our last. Eternity --bring it on!
End times are upon us. Here's proof:
http://www.jesuscouch.com/
Repent, while ye (that means you) still have time (double entendre intentional).
Is that Saddam on that dude's couch?
How long before he gets $50,000 for it on eBay?
That is one ugly couch, and I think that's Thor.
We're ALL in trouble if he's coming back.
Jesus is coming...look busy.
At first I thought I saw Jebus with a Fu Manchu mustache and needing a little plastic surgery on that left eye until I watched the video.
That's just a sweaty assprint, I've left them on truck seats after a long hot drive.
The right eye is a wallet mark, the left is from ass-crack overhang and the nose is right in the, the ... I can't say, I might get struck by a lightning bolt.
Well, how about it Fundies?
If you revere the impression, what will you pay to see the original?
Maybe I could swap the wallet for a big ring and give him a monocle like the Monopoly Man.
Or how about just the left cheek. I think I can squeeze off a baby Jebus with that one.
Could I make that a window seat Satan?
No takers here... The Lord Jesus Christ himself said "No man knows the day nor the hour" for His Glorious return.
But I DO think it's gonna be sometime soon. ;-)
Ah yes, I remember having every single Bible prophecy all down and studied, and absolutely knowing that the LATEST Christ's return could possibly, possibly be -- was 1988. (A "generation" -- 40 years, according to biblical definitions -- after the foundation of the state of Israel.)
I wrote treatises on it, I wrote letters giving all the details to all my friends, to my boss at Shell, oh, to everyone I could get to listen. All the prophecies, all the proofs, all the details. (Worked out, as it happens, by some of the EXACT same fundies who have worked it out this time! Yes, Tim LaHaye, I'm lookin' at YOU, bucko.)
I still haven't discovered how the fundies have weaseled out of *that* one. Or how they've convinced themselves -- all over again -- that it's "this time for SURE."
Wonder how their kids will convince THEMselves, twenty years from now, eh?
Obviously to you, the people who think the draft will be reinstated or even the people who think extraterrestrials are far more sane.
Figures.
Sure thing, CC, I'm game. What's your full name and address so I can send the signed documents? I mean, if you're serious and willing to put your money where your mouth is?
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