Right-wing armchair warriors: Whiny-ass titty baby edition.

[UPDATE: That's it, show's over. There's only so much hare-brained, right-wing idiocy I can handle, when people like Nonny can't seem to comprehend simple English. I'm sure he'll consider this a rousing moral victory for wingnuts everywhere. So let him wander back to the children's table and high-five the other nutbars, and we'll move on.]


If you only half-listened to the He-Man studs over there on the Right, you'd swear that they were the kind of dudes you just plumb didn't want to mess with 'cuz they would kick your ass from here to Iraq and back again.

Yes, there was superstud, jet fighter fly-boy George W. Bush with his steely-eyed "Osama, dead or alive" and "Fuck Saddam, we're takin' him out!" and "Bring 'em on!" and his latest testosterone-drenched "We're kicking ass [in Iraq]!". And right-wing web sites with macho-infused names like "Blackfive" and "Ace of Spades" and so on, replete with courageous graphics like "I support the troops!" and an endless line of patriotic patter about how those on the Right are the true heroes, while those on the Left are "cut and run defeatists" and the like. Which is all fairly hilarious because, quite simply, today's conservatives are the biggest bunch of whiny, snivelling cowards and pussies imaginable. And I say that with no disrespect to pussies anywhere.

You want proof? No problem.

As a quick refresher, feel free to reread Russell Jacoby's seminal piece, "The New PC: Crybaby Conservatives," in which one learns that today's conservatives really don't have much stomach for any kind of intellectual challenge. These are not people who have any interest in a free and fair exchange of ideas or philosophies. Rather, these are people who prefer to have their ideologies completely unchallenged, and have an annoying habit of running to Mama whenever anyone calls them on their bullshit. It's really quite unseemly, this childishness, but this doesn't even begin to plumb their depths of their whiny snivelitude, as two recent examples will demonstrate.

Consider, if you will, the latest brouhaha involving MoveOn's TV ad taking a swipe at General David Petraeus and questioning his credibility ("General Betray Us?"). Regardless of how you feel about that ad, one would think that this is the obvious consequence of supporting free speech: If people have the money, and they want to make an ad, hey, that's their right. And if you don't like it, then you can suck it up, and put together an ad as a rebuttal. In short, don't fucking whine -- if you disagree, then respond in kind.

Which is, of course, precisely what the Right did not do, as U.S. Senate Republicans actually put forth a motion in the Senate to condemn the ad. In other words, with buckets of more pressing issues, the GOP couldn't resist indulging in one monstrous, pathetic whine about how mean those MoveOn folks were. Pay no attention to those troops currently getting mowed down in Iraq like mice under a rotary mower. No, that's not as important as pointing at how those liberals are just mean bullies. And, of course, it doesn't end there.

The latest example of right-wing snivelitude involves Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's announcement that he wanted to go to Ground Zero in New York to lay a wreath. Well, God in heaven, you'd think he asked to take a dump on the American flag or something, as the conservative outrage practically blistered the paint off nearby buildings. TPM's Josh Marshall expresses his embarrassment nicely:

Grow Up

Am I the only one embarrassed by the dingbat brouhaha over Iranian President Ahmadinejad's attempt to visit Ground Zero to lay a wreath? Given relations between our countries I could see denying him a visa, but as long as we're hosting the UN that's not an option. Ahmadinejad now says he's "amazed" that such a visit would be insulting to Americans. Sen. McCain said that Ahmadinejad should be "physically restrained if necessary" from visiting the site. The National Review's Kathryn Lopez got worked up in such a lather that she begged Rudy Giuliani to "lead a human blockade keeping Ahmadinejad from getting to Ground Zero" -- thus demonstrating once and for all Rudy's true calling as the surrogate id of right-wing nerds everywhere.

So what's the problem exactly? Presumably we can be frank enough to acknowledge that the real issue here is that while Ahmadinejad is not Arab to most of us he looks pretty Arab. And he is Muslim certainly -- and pretty up in arms about it at that. And we officially don't like him. And we classify the country he runs as a state sponsor of terrorism. So even though he has absolutely nothing to do with 9/11, when you put all these key facts together, he might as well have done it himself. And what business does anyone with the blood of the victims of 9/11 on his hands have going to Ground Zero?

That's basically it and don't tell me it's not.

Alternatively I guess it's that he's a very mean guy, said bad things about Israel or questioned the Holocaust? Is this man any worse than the various Soviet dignitaries who we feted and hosted around our country? Or is it simply that we've grown increasingly infantile as a country since the end of the Cold War, more and more obsessed and histrionic about minor powers like Iran and Iraq?

A president with some dignity and sense of the greatness of his country would say, good he should go there. Maybe he'll learn something about us and our loss.

If we as a country were a person, I'd say grow up. Act like a man*. Have some self-respect.

Exactly. Instead, we have countless whingers practically having kittens, sobbing over this and doing everything they can to make sure it doesn't happen. Jesus, but most six-year-olds are more mature than that.

Not surprisingly, the Ahmadinejad-inspired whininess isn't restricted to the U.S. Blogging Tory "Gay and Right" Fred practically bursts a blood vessel howling about ... well, just go read:

What was Columbia University Thinking????

How on earth could they invite Ahmainejad to speak???

Barred by police from visiting Ground Zero, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad may find more of a welcome at Columbia University, where he has been cleared to speak on Monday at the school's annual World Leaders Forum despite outrage expressed by New York area Jewish leaders.

Whine. Whine, whine, whine. And one can't help but be amused by the overwhelming sniveliness of the Blogging Tories in general who, while full of bravado and bluster, have a disturbing number of members whose attitude towards readers' comments is that, well, they don't allow them, or they allow only moderated comments, or allow comments but reserve the right to delete any they don't like for any reason whatsoever or (my favourite) they'll delete any comments that use intemperate language. Poor baby. Here's an idea -- suck it the fuck up, or find a different hobby.

(And let us not forget Canada's own Lowest Common Denominatrix™ Kate McMillan, who lives in such pants-wetting fear of your humble scribe that, to this day, she does not allow redirects to her site from mine. Apparently, I am such a fearsome person that even pointing readers at her mind-numbing swill is enough to drive her and her obedient, leg-humping poodles into spasms of panic.)

Yes, these are a courageous lot, your modern conservatives, supporting every military adventure from the safety of their keyboards, and bursting into childish tears and calling everyone else a bully whenever anyone so much as looks at them the wrong way.

It is embarrassing, isn't it? The world's biggest collection of trash-talking warbloggers who soil themselves at the first sign of any disagreement. And while we on the Left might make fun of how most of them have managed to avoid serving, one can only hope that none of these people actually end up in the military. When you're living in close quarters or hunkered down in your foxhole, that pervasive aroma of terror and urine would get to be annoying after a while, don't you think?

HEE HEE. There is no limit to the hypocrisy, is there?

THE HILARITY WAS UNINTENTIONAL, I'M SURE: Commenter "nonny" figures we here at CC HQ are all talk and no action:

I'd like to see you give your thoughts to Blackfive's face, though, CC. You seem to complain about him enough. Why don't you engage him in a little debate? Even a debate on his blog would be worth something; I know you'd never dare do it in person.

For the uninitiated, that would be this "Blackfive":

Matthew Burden, a former Army officer who blogs under the name Blackfive, raved about how Bush slapped his hand and called him "brutha."

"The President was very intelligent, razor sharp, warm, focused, emotional (especially about his dad), and genuine," Blackfive wrote. "Even more so than this cynical Chicago Boy expected. I was overwhelmed by the sincerity -- it wasn't staged."

Yes, nonny, that's just the sort of mewling, sycophantic suck-up I'd invest my wit in dismembering. I'd probably suggest that he remove Bush's dick from his mouth first, otherwise the rest of us would have a hard time hearing him. If you catch my drift.

BONUS SUCKUPITUDE: If you can possibly stand the schmaltz ...