Wednesday, June 03, 2009

The overwhelming stupid of the Blogging Tories.

There's an old lawyer joke that goes:

"Your Honour, my client could not possibly have committed that murder. First, he wasn't even there. But if he was there, he didn't do it. But if he did it, it was an accident. Besides, that son of a bitch had it coming to him."

I'm sure you can appreciate the point being made here -- the hilarity of someone throwing a number of inconsistent and mutually exclusive excuses against the wall, hoping one of them is going to stick. Welcome to the bizarre and contradictory world of Canada's wanky wingnuts, who are frantically trying to figure out a way to spin this latest clusterfuck:

Sensitive government documents left behind at a CTV News bureau reveal Ottawa has poured far more money into the aging Chalk River nuclear reactor than the public has been told.

The binder of documents was left nearly a week ago at CTV's Ottawa bureau by either Minister of Natural Resources Lisa Raitt or one of her aides. Some of the papers are clearly marked "secret."

Let us now start throwing various excuses against the wall, only to watch them fall harmlessly and stupidly to the floor.

They were marked "secret!" How dare they?
Easily the dumbest excuse imaginable. "Hey, guys, check this out, one of those people left this folder and it has the most awesomely embarrassing admissions and ... oh, wait, someone scribbled the word 'Secret' on it. Damn. I guess there's nothing we can do. Bummer."

I will not return to eviscerating this idiocy again, except to point out that, if it's truly "secret," don't take it to a television station with you. That's just fucking retarded. Onward.

The minister didn't forget it, one of her aides did. That makes all the difference.
No, it doesn't. Her portfolio, her responsibility, her head on the chopping block for fucking up. End of discussion.

It wasn't them -- someone else must have stolen it and leaked it. An interesting suggestion, given that, to the best of my knowledge, no one in the Conservative Party is making such an accusation. If those documents had been stolen and leaked, one might think that someone fairly high up the food chain in the Cons would be yammering about this all over the airwaves. But, curiously ... silence. Even welfare wingnut Stephen Taylor and Krime Kracker Kid and Boy Detective Steve Janke aren't pushing this conspiracy theory at the moment, so it's reasonably safe to say that no one in a position of power is seriously going to try this cop-out.

(Only the truly, genuinely, massively deranged and deluded of Canada's wanks are trying this defense. You know, like this screeching twit.)

Why did CTV hang onto the documents for a week before exposing them? It's not fair.
A good question. Perhaps they were exercising journalistic responsibility and trying to verify them and their origin, which is what I'd do. Perhaps there were a few phone calls to the appropriate people, whose response might have been something like, "You found what? Where!? Fuck. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck! Um ... no comment, we'll get back to you, fuck!"

In any event, there's absolutely nothing untoward about hanging onto docs like that for several days while you try to relate their contents to breaking news. And, besides, what kind of incompetent twatwaffle (*Cough* Lisa Raitt *Cough*) doesn't notice that allegedly "secret" documents have been missing for a week?

There's absolutely nothing suspicious or untoward about that time lag. It's nothing more than a media outlet realizing what they've got, and exercising due diligence to make sure they represent it fairly after (possibly) giving the interested parties a chance to comment.

So, in summary:

"Those documents weren't left behind by the Conservatives, they must have been stolen and maliciously leaked! But even if they were left behind, it wasn't Raitt, it was an aide which makes it OK. And even if it was Raitt, that's not fair 'cuz they were marked 'Super Duper Ultra Double Tippity Top Secret.'"

Here's a suggestion, wanks -- pick a single excuse and go with it, and stop looking like such gullible and desperate buffoons. It doesn't become you.

Except for Hunter and JoJo. It becomes you two irredeemable retards perfectly.

BONUS DUMBASSITUDE: You have to love how that raving whackjob "Alberta Girl" desperately wants to accuse someone of stealing and leaking those documents, but she doesn't want to come right out and make the accusation so she settles for just, you know, insinuating it:

Or - did you ever think that maybe they came to be in CTV's possession some other way??

just sayin?

Ah, yes, that kind of weaselly "I don't know, I'm just sayin'" non-accusatory accusation does take me back:

Nothing ever changes, does it? The douchebaggery lives on.


Kevin said...

Here's your excuses:
The government: we were careless, sloppy and stoooopid. The staffer will be canned.
The media: we desperately wanted any story even if self created.
The opposition: we want to throw mud and try and make punny retorts for the media.

LuLu said...

What's this?

According to the Canadian Industrial Security Manual, when hand carrying documents marked "SECRET (including NATO)", one must use a two-envelope system and transport said documents in a locked case.


BTW, the locked case has to be NATO-approved -- I know my business.

Ti-Guy said...

Fun fact for people unsure of certain legal issues:

In Canada (as in all Commonwealth countries), it is illegal for the press to publish documents that are classifies state secrets, even if they were obtained legally. This is not the case, in the US.

Marking something "secret" is not the same as it being "classified" though.

Ted said...

""Those documents weren't left behind by the Conservatives, they must have been stolen and maliciously leaked! But even if they were left behind, it wasn't Raitt, it was an aide which makes it OK. And even if it was Raitt, that's not fair 'cuz they were marked 'Super Duper Ultra Double Tippity Top Secret.'"

You didn't finish with the equivalent of "Besides, that son of a bitch had it coming to him."

You may want to add: "Besides, all the media is biased and out to get harper." Some of those ***** are even saying the media colluded with the Liberals to recompense for the Dion do-over bit from the election.

Ti-Guy said...

That sounds like a fun game, Ted. What comes after that? I honestly can't guess, since my mind doesn't work like that at all. Maybe what James Morton is suggesting: that it was an intentional leak to...something something...and therefore, Lisa Raitt is a hero?

CC said...

I believe we're about to see a variation of the "Underpants Gnomes" strategy:

Phase 1: Collect Underpants
Phase 2: ?
Phase 3: Profit!

Phase 2 would be the "something something," in case that wasn't blisteringly obvious.

Ted said...

ti-guy: ?

Ti-Guy said...

Stuff like this really does draw a line between the conservative and the liberal mind. I imagine what we're all struggling with here is something preposterous, either something impossible, a blatant falsehood, or some defamation perhaps, to replace something something (ie. Phase 2), and I guess that's where we're stymied.

Ezra Levant wouldn't be having this problem, I'm sure.