(CC News) -- In a brazen attempt to woo the batshit-crazy, Bible-toting, whackjob demographic, three of the most prominent Republican presidential candidates tried desperately to outdo one another with stories about how nauseatingly prepared they were to suck up to the most intellectually-challenged voting bloc in America:
Fred D. Thompson said that within his first hour of becoming president, he would close the door behind him in the Oval Office and pray for wisdom.
Senator John McCain grew emotional when he talked about a North Vietnamese prison guard who loosened his bonds and, several months later in a meeting on Christmas Day, surreptitiously etched a cross on the ground in front of him.
Mitt Romney spoke about his wife of 38 years, 5 children and 10 grandchildren, saying he had been “pro-family on every level” in his personal life, as well as his political life.
Realizing he had been out-flanked by Romney, Thompson immediately lashed back that he didn't believe in evolution, to which McCain countered that not only did he not believe in evolution, but that the earth was indeed flat as well.
Interrupting loudly, Romney then began telling a story about how he had to carry his Bible five miles to school each way every day uphill, to which Thompson snorted, "Ha! Luxury! Why, when I was a lad ..."