Today’s Sign of the Apocalypse.
Five Feet of Brother, Can You Spare a Dime™ is getting ... wait for it ... married. No, really. That is all.
P.S. Do you think she'll set up a new PayPal account in lieu of registering for gifts? After all, it's not like she ever misses an opportunity to beg for support.
P.P.S. A white dress? Come on. That's a bit cheeky even for Five Feet of I Have No Shame™.
Oh, fuck ... I just fwew up in my mouf.
ReplyDeleteI wish her well, but even in the midst of her happiness she can't resist sniping. That's the sad part.
ReplyDeleteWhat's really depressing (from the point of the view of the future ex Mr. Shaidle) is the absolute lack of joy in her entire announcement- it's framed completely as an upthrust finger to her imaginary tormentors.
ReplyDeleteWhat an incredibly sad life.
Fine, just don't replicate... err.. hatch... err... spawn... I need something biblical here.
ReplyDeleteAh. No Begetting! Please, no.
it's not like she ever misses an opportunity to beg for support.
How many tin cups does she have extended over there already? Six?
This is the sanctity of traditional marriage we've all come to appreciate.
ReplyDeleteGosh, it's so tender and lovely and beautiful in its own special way...
...Can't talk...puddling up.
I hope Arnie get a pre-nup, so eh doesn't end up losing his assets when Five Feet of Where's my Sugar Daddy? Get taken to the cleaners in the lawsuit...
ReplyDeleteWow, so she's getting married (in a hideous dress that makes even a mannequin look dumpy, not that she needed help in the dumpy department) out of spite? Or is it so they can finally have sex? Remember, birth control gets you a one way ticket to Hell!!! Oy, my breakfast is on the way back up now...
ReplyDeleteAnyone want to go to Vegas and throw rocks I mean rice at the happy(?)couple? Heh.
I thought they were already married.
ReplyDeleteDon't tell me they've been Living In Sin, that's an Abomination. Unless there was no sexual congress involved?
(Never mind fwow up in mouf, I just projectile vomited straight out the open front door and onto the sleeping dog.)
Seriously, a day (or announcement of same) that most people view as one of the (if not the most) important days of your life, and it's framed the way she framed it?
ReplyDeleteIf I ever get that bitter and enraged, I hope someone kills me.
"Take that, losers."
ReplyDeleteHoly fuck, she is unhappy.
Does she mention Hooters in hopes of offending her ever-present enemy base?
Does she mention Hooters in hopes of offending her ever-present enemy base?
ReplyDeleteMaybe she's planning on wearing orange hotpants underneath the dress?
(ok, I just made myself fwouw up)
Maybe she's planning on wearing orange hotpants underneath the dress?
ReplyDeleteChrist, Frank ... that's just 9 kinds of wrong. Bad, bad Frank.
Frank, might I have a mailing address where I might bill you?
ReplyDeleteBECAUSE SOMEONE IS GOING TO PAY TO HAVE THE PUKE IN MY KEYBOARD REMOVED....
Okay, I just thought of a good band name:
ReplyDeleteFrumpy Bride
It's probably taken, though.
My apologies all! I believe we now know exactly where the line between 'civil expression' and 'just-don't-go-there' is marked.
ReplyDeleteI'm not about to be hauled before a HRC now, am I?
(placing order for Free Frank Frink mugs, T-shirts, sun visors and mouse pads now)
Luckily, it will all be over soon for Arnie...I mean once she decapitates him after they "mate".
ReplyDeleteWhat a sad, sad little creature she is. Just imagine what it'll be like living with Five Feet of Angry, Bitter, Vindictive, Nagging Shrew twenty or thirty years from now, eh Arnie? Do yourself a favour, pal; when you get to Vegas catch a connecting flight to LA then another to anywheres else outside of North America; then just run deep into the Wild, Arnie, RUN...
ReplyDeleteN.
holy sacraments, batman! yes, a wedding anouncement should be delivered like a gob of spit. and how convenient that her nuptials coincide with the height of both her legal and financial woes....
ReplyDeleteKEvron
Vegas? That's telling. I can't imagine a more appropriately joyless location.
ReplyDeleteAny theories about what the cheesy video of the lingerie-clad blond preparing to masturbate is all about? is this something people send out these days with their wedding announcements?
ReplyDeleteApparently, Bulgy and the Beast are to take in a "Showgirls" style show to celebrate their nuptials.
ReplyDeletePerhaps in an effort to screw both their libidos to the sticking place in advance of consummation?
Now, now people. marriage is sacred union between a Man and Woman,... and we all know NOTHING!!! and I mean Nothing says SACRED like a Wedding in Vegas.
ReplyDeleteMan, she is serious messed in the head, taking her wedding announcement as an opportunity to spread a little bit of her special "Free Speech"
Oh well, I wish her all the happiness in the world, but in her world, I don't think she will find it.
divorce pool, anyone?
ReplyDeleteKEvron
I'll take some of that action, KEv. I've got $10 on 18 months from now ...
ReplyDeleteDoes "divorce" include annulment? Because for divorce, you have to, well, consummate...
ReplyDeleteDoes "widowed" count?
This adds a whole new dimension to "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas".
ReplyDeleteMaybe this guy could do the wedding invitations.
Way ahead of you, JJ.
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
ReplyDeleteYou owe me a keyboard-cleaning. Again!
"I've got $10 on 18 months from now"
ReplyDeletei like both my odds (18 mos?! are you daft?!) and the current rate of exchange, so i'm inclined to take that bet.
KEvron
Deal. What are the exact parameters? Your pool, your rules, KEv ...
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete6 mo intervals. 2/1 odds, except "first 6 mos" pays 3/2 (this is a business, not a charity).
ReplyDeletesidebets:
- "annulment" pays 3/1.
- "matricide" pays 4/1.
- "bites off his head and sucks out his fluids" pays 3/2 (this is a business, not a charity).
- "arnie calls it off" pays 99/1.
- should the union excede a 24 mo period, all bets are off, 'cause she's obviously lying.
rules subject to change. odds subject to change. rate of exchange subject to change. winners subject to getting stiffed.
get 'em while they're hot!
KEvron
I like the way you think ... just remind me never to play poker with you ;-)
ReplyDeleteAre you guys all wound up at the thought that Five Feet of Quick Put On The Tammy Mask is gettin' more than you?
ReplyDeleteMore what?
ReplyDelete"More what?"
ReplyDeletemore sued.
KEvron
In the famous words of Krusty The Clown: "If this is anyone other than Steve Allen, you're stealing my bit!"
ReplyDeleteKEvron said...
- "bites off his head and sucks out his fluids" pays 3/2 (this is a business, not a charity).
I don't have much good to say about her co-defendent Connie Wilkins, but when she finally made an honest man of Mark Fournier she somehow DIDN'T view the announcement as an opportunity to spit on her enemies.
ReplyDeleteI could fully understand someone refraining from mentioning their wedding in order to avoid snide comments, but to deliberately go out and invite them... she obviously gets off on being hated. How fortunate to have a fantasy so easily fulfillable. On the other hand, how distressing for us to know that in insulting her, we're basically performing a sex act with her.
I feel so dirty.
"So: here's my dress..."
ReplyDeleteUh-uh. I've seen pix, and no way is she gonna fit into that!
"(placing order for Free Frank Frink mugs, T-shirts, sun visors and mouse pads now)"
Um...if I can learn to say "Free Frank Frink" three times without tripping over my lower lip, do I get freebees? ;D
yep, you threw it out there, counter-coulter. i'm just offering odds....
ReplyDeleteKEvron
"Uh-uh. I've seen pix, and no way is she gonna fit into that!"
ReplyDeleteIt all depends on what it's made of... you can squeeze a lot of lard into a sausage skin.
Now, now. Just because it's her dress STYLE, doesn't mean it's her actual dress. I'm sure Zeller's just puts one picture per dress up on their website, even though it's available in a range of sizes.
ReplyDeleteSears, however, has a page with the dress shown in her size. http://tinyurl.com/4c44rh