Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Elect the Douche of Your Choice

In a move guaranteed to thrill dorks, er, wonks and partisans and provide a much needed bump to the sweater vest industry, occasional Canadian and leader of that other shitty party, Michael Ignatieff is throwing down the gauntlet. Evidently, after propping up the dismal Conservative minority for a while, he's had enough. He can no longer support Mr Harper's shitty government and so we'll be off to the polls to elect a new shitty government, one that Mr Ignatieff hopes to lead. After a long, cold summer of ineffectual posturing, telephoning barbecues and no particular policy statements of any value, Mr Ignatieff feels the time is ripe for a boring and costly parade of stupid ads and mediocre candidates. Besides, there's still that gap in his curriculum vitae.

For his part, Prime Minister Stephen Harper is convinced that the country needn't go to the polls for shitty government when they already have shitty government.

"I haven't met a single Canadian who is saying they want to see an election right now. I just don't find that," Harper said.

"I think Canadians have been pretty clear. They want Parliament to focus on the economy."

For Conservative supporters, their leader's consistency is heartening. When the economic crisis began Mr Harper had reassured the country by calling a snap election in order to hide from the presumption of non-confidence. He had a wise desire to reaffirm his mandate before the prevarication by his Munchkin of Finance and bogus claims that there'd be no deficit were put to the lie. As the economic crisis deepened he chose to prorogue the government and leave the ship of state rudderless. That sort of sterling leadership was enough to make a plurality of voters forget that his party had played fast and loose with election finance laws in the In'n'Out Scandal. As any good cheesemaker knows, the scum always rises to the top.

Mr Harper will move forward confident that he has the will of the people behind him. After all, besides himself, what leader would dare call an unnecessary election in such difficult economic times? Mr Igatieff will have to rely on the support of the Filthy Commies and the Evil Frenchpeople's Party to get behind his call for a vote of no confidence. If the grinning idiot and the competent fellow that speaks a foreign language don't vote along with Ignatieff's shitty party to bring down Harper's shitty government, then Ignatieff will look like a bottomless douchebag. Should that happen, one can expect Harper to gloat like he has the only spoon at the dessert buffet. He'll likely wait a few weeks as Ignatieff flounders and then call an election of his own. At which point his caution about the economy will be quite forgotten because of shut up.

With the keen political acumen of a cabbage, it remains to be seen whether Mr Ignatieff's sudden burst of testosterone will lead to a change in government, a continuance of the already tedious status quo or if, in fact, an election will piss off enough folks to spur a Harper majority. Regardless of outcome, Canadians can rest assured that our recent tradition of inept, tone-deaf and incompetent federal government will remain intact. Oh yes, and a merry Adscam to you. Took all of four comments out of the more than three hundred on the CTV site before the dread paper bags o' cash got hauled out. Let the smears commence!


Tomm said...

Pretty funny stuff.

I'm guessing you aren't a big fan of either Harper's shitty government, Ignatieff's shitty party, the filthy commies or the evil french people's party.

I'm expecting Harper will end up as the guy with the only spoon.

Gene Rayburn said...

Are the Cons fixing the election Tomm? Or are you getting your info from a magic 8 ball?

Tomm said...


(Tomm looks around surreptitiously dropping his voice).

Iggy is a Conservative plant in the LPC. It is all working out according to plan. But don't tell anyone.


The other Jim said...

According to the online magic 8-ball @

The CPC, LPC and NDP will all win a majority, the BQ will hold the same number of seats. When I asked about the Green party winning a even one seat, I was informed "You are about to die".

I think this translates to an election with the same outcome, or a sudden finding of common ground between the CPC, LPC and NDP.

In other words, never trust a magic 8-ball. ;-)

Lindsay Stewart said...

Ackshooly Tomm, i'd feel better about federal politics with Duceppe running a truly national party. In terms of policy and leadership the bloc are the best of a sad lot. Shame that they're stuck running a regional party and passing the last wisps of gas from the sovereignty bean soup. As for the pumpkin party, ditch the unelectable Jack Layton and put Charlie Angus up as leader and I'd buy a membership. The Libs and the Cons are just two sides of a worthless coin.