The old gray baglady brings welcome news of an international incident defused. In a chilling assault on the sovereignty of a neighbouring state, the insidious Swiss made an armed incursion into Liechtenstani territory. A Swiss infantry unit, armed with assault rifles, marched deep into Liechtenstein, about a mile, before being recalled. The sneaky neutral bastards are claiming that their soldiers had gotten lost and that they had no bullets. Accepted wisdom tells us that bullets don't kill people, people kill people and armed soldiers are even trained to kill people. The chocolatiers' claim to have been the vicitms of a failure of cartography is dubious at best. A nation that prides itself on the creation of animatronic time pieces and vast banking conspiracies can surely afford a compass and a map of its own frontier.
Sources close to Guelph speculate that the Swiss buckled to pressure from American president George W. Bush. It is believed that Mr. Bush used diplomatic back channels to threaten the Swiss with a naval blockade. Were plans being made for a carrier group to steam from the Persian Gulf to Lake Geneva? We may never know and we can be thankful for that lack of knowledge, just as Mr. Bush is thankful for his own lack of knowledge in these troubled times. Though both sides are now downplaying this incident, it is rumoured that Liechtenstein is considering erecting a wall on their border with the Swiss. Some Liechtenstanis view the wall as necessary to curb illegal immigration and further unlawful invasions. The debate within the small nation seems to hinge on the cost of the proposed 4,500 foot tall wall.
As of press time, there are no reports that the Swiss Guard at the Vatican were involved in this incident. Several Popes are reporting that the Guard are not readying for redeployment and do not appear to be in a state of heightened alert readiness, as would be indicated by their changing into battle pantaloons. We'll continue to update this story until we nod off or until the next tawdry, celebrity tramp flashes her pampered underside to the paparazzi.